power struggle

Power.

Maybe sometimes it's best to put up a shield as you head into the battlefield of love. Because then when we find ourselves defenseless as our hearts become exploited, we wonder where we went wrong?

Who decides its fate? Who decides the direction? what constitutes who has the "power" in a relationship? Is one always held above the other?

a. the one who bases her every decision around what her man will think, the one who does not go somewhere because her man doesn't let her, the one who asks her man if what she is wearing is okay before walking out of the house, the one who will cater to her man not in a loving way like destiny's child meant, but in the puppy dog way where you are a servant behind him picking up after him---well then, maybe it's time to find your voice. Search deep inside for your inner-strength and have the confidence to stand up for your beliefs and opinions. Get some self -respect because while you may claim you have it, you don't. This relationship involves you, which means you are equally as important as your partner. If you truly believe you "aren't good enough" for him - leave.. that kind of attitude isn't doing either of you any good.

b. if you find yourself "dominating" all relationships you become involved in, that isn't good either.
 Are you the sole bread winner, and maintaining the household together? If you are finding yourself being the main decision maker, and he not even attempting to assist, then I see this ending badly soon.

 Relationships are about two people working as a team in a single unit. Both individuals need to be actively involved in decision making. Too often we become consumed in a relationship where we have to "become one." it took me a long time but i realized that dating is not about finding your other half. dating is more about really discovering yourself and accepting that you are already whole. your man's purpose is to complement you, not complete you. I think without that equality of power in a relationship, a couple cannot function successfully. Hearts will be broken and someone will get hurt... like 95% of relationships do.

Relationships like this are damaging for someone will always end up hurt. Maybe you've been on both ends of the spectrum. I have. I had a hard time seeing where i stood. Though when I really listed out scenario by scenario, I realized I was not in a healthy relationship.

..dead & gone...

Love is really like a roller coaster because for as many ups and downs you two have went through, you're still ready to throw up after all is said and done.

I have been thinking about break ups, and how females deal with them these days. no longer do i see girls crying about the ones they loved, but now in this anger phase and an almost vengeful manner on a road to fuck him over as hard as possible.. i mean, i know it almost embarrasses some girls to say that they loved their ex, but hey, we got to kiss a few frogs to find our prince right? sucks when the guy has the personality of a toad and the looks of a prince though. But if he's stupid enough to walk away, you have to be smart enough to let go right?

So it starts out as this.. while with him.. you swear the song "With You" by Jessica Simpson was your anthem. That's how happy you were. Everyone knew how insanely in love you were with him, and how he was your world. you cut off a lot of relationships with people for him, and put him in the center of your world. you went against my family for him. you would do anything to spend one minute with him.. ya'll were so happy. Then... **drum roll** everything came crashing down. && i swear this crash was bigger than the world trade center buildings collapsing. now your theme song at this time was "Why do I stay in Love?" by Mariah Carey.

Things just got wayyy out of hand. You cant believe the shit you were taking, and it always pissed you off to hear people tell you "oh you deserve better leave leave leave" blah blah blah. seriously. you know this. but at the time, you didn't have options. but the truth was, you were scared. no forget that, you were terrified_ of everything! you were so scared of walking out of that house believing you would never feel again.. believing there would never be another man for you.. believing you could never share all about you with someone else as you did with him.. not only that, but you just felt like you had no one because of all the burned bridges.

So of course, this breakup has to be the most challenging thing in the world. Is there a such thing as an easy break up? not in this world. Then you started thinking about him. family knew it all along, but you purposely ignored them. didnt want to believe it. and you still don't. but you have to. He tried to control the fuck out of you because he lacked stability elsewhere in his life. Because you loved him, you let him do this. Because he was the first and all youve ever knowm; you allowed it. you considered his jealousy his way of "Caring" but really he did not know what he had.

i think break ups are the biggest lessons to learn in life, they build at least 50% of your character, your friends don't understand your position and you didn't understand theirs. i think the funny thing about breakups is they point out what we didn't even know we had, but don't give us the option of going back into battle armed with that knowledge. if u knew what you know now, you would do a few things differently. you wouldn't have been such a fool to change every aspect of your life to suit his wants and needs. don't regret it because, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"..

So after the split, youre stuck listening to all the breakup songs in the world.. hence my list of theme songs within this blog alone. lol i swear if breakups never existed, the music industry would go bankrupt.  Of course, you incessantly cry yourself stupid just figuring out what and how things got sooo bad.. where did it start? was it something you said? was it something we both are guilty of? how did it escalate so high and neither of us notice? but you know what girly?  

time. 

they say its never on our side but when it comes down to it -- there's a time for everything.. There's a time to speak up, and a time to be silent... there's a time to learn and a time to teach.. there's a time to listen and a time to be heard.. there's a time to LOSE and a time to gain.. and that time is now. Which is why you should no longer rebound your decision. don't go on saying you gave him up-- cus YOU did not give up ANYTHING-- he gave YOU up by treating you the way he did. he didn't think you'd leave, and took advantage of it and pushed it the furthest extent he could.. til u just snapped. your bond broke in two, beyond repair.

then you find yourself looking at all of your photos with him. pictures are what you have when you have lost everything else.. then it creeps into your dreams (or nightmares rather) but when u give up both the photos and the dreams.. the only thing left is bliss. so why do u still feel so shitty? i think i can take a guess.. because trying to forget about someone who was your world for years and years is like trying to remember somebody you never met. impossible. :( how can this be? I was always the girl that was going to be married before everyone else, settle down.  i never got into the crazy single lifestyle.. i liked being tied down, why? because it felt safe. I was stable in life. i liked knowing what my plans were. i guess i was putting things backwards a bit.

pain is inevitable :: suffering is optional.

I always thought I was one of the lucky ones, ya know when the love was like lightning, short lived and intense. You spent days daydreaming and doodling his name over every inch of your notebook. Just thinking about holding hands was enough to give you butterflies. Then one way or another, he breaks your heart, and you feel every single shattered piece tearing you apart. For about a week. Then the next crush comes along and life is amazing again. I never went through the make up break up shit. it was different for me. him and i were together going strong for 8yrs years. Now it’s more like thunder. It starts off with an explosion and then slowly wears itself out. When you really want it, you can only hear it faintly in the distance, over some other town. And when you just want it to stop, it seems to linger on forever.. why can't it just be over with? do break ups really have to be this way?

there's always room for improvement, and Lord knows I have definitely got to realize what i can deserve, and that's more than an immature asshole. i now vow to always remember myself and what I want in every situation. I would respect myself enough to consider my own feelings. I’d learn how listen to gut feelings and realize that that’s my heart trying to give me a hint on where to go. I would never ever again allow someone to disrespect, neglect, or make me feel inferior.

I am done feeling inferior, considering I had a firm hand in all of it.

Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”, and she’s right. 

I had the power to ensure that I did not feel second best, but I had not yet realized where that power lied nor how to use it.

the EX factor xx

have you ever had an issue of your man's ex wanting to be best friends with him again?

 do you agree with your man should be best friends with a past lover?

what about his feelings on you being good friends with a man you have once been intimate with

I personally am not for it. i also don't agree with males having female BEST friends to begin with. i’m especially miffed by MARRIED men who have female best friends. i mean, forgive me if i am crazy for saying so but isn't that who your wife is supposed to be? I think having someone of the opposite sex to lean on, well unless it's a sibling/relative.. is an unnecessary temptation and a potential leak of intimacy between partners. temptation is a natural feeling, and very VERY easy to break into. So why even put yourself in that position?

Although it may be possible to have casual sex with a friend, even this can damage a relationship. As hard as it is to accept, it's difficult to bring a relationship back to its normal state after having been intimate with someone. You will always have memories of the intimate encounters will always be triggered by the smell of her skin or perfume, or say a moment him and his new girl say something sexual, etc. or even by hearing a song that you once made passionate love to.

And as thick-skinned as you are, it's hard to see the person in the same light after being entangled in each other's skin and sharing a moment of complete pleasure with one another-- especially if it was AMAZING SEX.lol

Not to mention, there will always be one-sided bitterness. this is mainly because breakups are typically one-sided, one person will always feel resentment or bitterness toward the other. Even if your ex is feigning friendship, she's not sincerely your friend. If it seems like plans with your new potential woman are always being sabotaged, they just might be... and that's when jealousy comes into play.

&& where there's bitterness, there's jealousy.
 
And the truth of the matter is that it's hard to be sincerely happy for your ex when she's just found the new love of her life.

However, just because one person may have moved onto another person does not necessarily mean she is over her past lover... It's human nature to be jealous or resentful when our ex finds a new person to cuddle up to, even if our feelings have somewhat faded. It becomes a race of who will find the new lover first, a challenge especially brought on by the person who was dumped. Even for the person who did the breaking up, the thought of someone else taking your place in the memories that you and your ex shared is hard, and sometimes extremely painful to fathom because that passion still exists. Even if your relationship was completely problem-ridden, chances are that the passion and sexual chemistry between the two of you still exists.

This is a recipe for disaster because it means that every time you get together under this new "friendship" premise, the lust and passion you have makes it more likely that you'll end up in "one more" night of unbridled "goodbye" sex, for old times' sake. This brings you right back to square one -- how you felt right after your breakup, and just when you were doing so well with movin on..

Leaving the past behind is hard enough, and you don't want part of your past still programmed in your cell phone. Although it's easier for the dumper, recovering from a breakup is still a hard thing to do since it means being single again, getting back into the dating scene and no longer making that daily goodnight call you and your ex used to share but having that person lingering in your life as a constant reminder makes it even harder to move on with your life, meet new people and turn a fresh page. It's almost like keeping one foot in the past, and another struggling to make it back into the pickup scene.

In a perfect world, the ideal would be for exes to succeed at being friends, but in one where bitterness, jealousy, passion, and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought, it's impossible. Unless the two of you were the best of friends before, both broke up on the same terms in a perfectly mutual breakup, both have no qualms about either of you seeing new people, and have both instilled a policy of total honesty, you're better to leave the friendship behind... along with the memories.

Regardless of what anyone says, I will always believe the idea of a man and a woman being best friends is charming but improbable. it always leads to something else.. meaning that the relationship eventually becomes romantic or physically intimate.

What do you think? Does your guy have a female best friend? Are you okay with it?

break up schmake up.. it aint no thang

I swear whoever wrote the lyrics to "breaking up is hard to do" was right on the money. unfortunately the odds are not in us ladies' favors when it comes to this traumatic experience, lol. in fact, most of us will experience at least one heart breaking break up sometime in our lines, and 1 out of every 3 females experience one that leads them to having mental issues that can severely affect her life. although no one can fully prepare you for and there are a few breakup words that will ease your pain, i can at least try to.. lol i'll always still believe advice goes a long way.

So listen up biiiiiits!!! here is how you can be closer to healing your broken heart.

Here are my stages of grief that i think girls will most likely experience throughout a break up.. the five stages of grief as they apply to a breakup that is:

denial: && "no it's not just a river in Egypt". you deny the break-up has happened and isolate yourself from your loved ones. to help get through this stage, accept what has happened and don’t be afraid to ask for support from those who love you and are there for you.. i know you might not want to hear it but face the fucken truth && do it. without doing this first step, you will not make it to the second. you might tell yourself this is just a temporary separation; you’re bound to kiss and make up.

resisting the urge: i knowwww it’s difficult to fight the urge to get in touch with your ex, but you have to resist it. && yes, this means no making up excuses to see him (I have to get back my one sock back...) etc. been there done that .. and the visits only lead to hot, amazing sex that gives him the upper hand yet again. You have to say NO.

anger: it's only natural to become angry with your ex and maybe even with yourself for the cause or circumstances of the breakup. personally, what i did to help deal with my anger was wrote a letter addressed to my ex, without the intention of giving it to him of course, cus i'd probably hit a nerve no girl wants to hit. It is amazing how you can really get down and dirty with your feelings, and how you end up pouring your heart out once the point of your pen leaks onto the paper. After you’re done, put it aside and come back to it another day, reread it once, then toss it if you want. i actually saved all of mine, mainly because i didn't really write them when we broke up because we only have once, but more so when we got into an argument or at a time i felt incredibly hurt by him.. i go back to them after a while and it's weird how i have a totally new perspective on things. this eventually lead to me keeping a journal of my feelings. Looking back on the things I wrote reminded me of our low points. I needed that reminder to get away from him, and stay.

Ladies, this method works best for me because i think writing can be incredibly therapeutic. i know most not feel this way, but obviously with my having my own blog site, i'm going to feel taht way.

bargaining: this is probably the most common thing females tend to do.. i can almost guarantee it, don't deny it. you bargain with your ex to take you back, telling him that you were wrong, what changes you’ll make, and so on. Or, you get others involved in trying to get him back for you. This stage often involves irrational actions such as calling him no matter how trivial the reason. don't fall lame to the game baby girls! you have to be on top of it, have HIM come crawling back to you!

acceptance: this is about the final stage of grief i think we all endure. the female typically comes to terms with the breakup, and she no longer feels anger or deep sadness about it. While thinking about your ex is still normal, you’re able to move on with your life to be productive and emotionally healthy again. Some females have a hard time coming to this stage, I think it takes an incredible amount of strength and dignity to even follow through with passing this stage. With acceptance comes the ability to move on.



But you shouldn’t expect all of the above to happen overnight. It will take time, faith in yourself and a supportive group of friends and family to get you through.

the most important thing i can say ladies is back away from zeee ex!!! real talk! i know you're in the bargaining stage of grieving the demise of a what seemed to be an amazing relationship, so you may try to get in touch with him. But, there are two reasons why calling, emailing or visiting his crib is a BAD idea. why? just because you convince yourself your ex is thinking about you just as much as you're thinking about him. he's not. but the next reason is the more contact you have with him, the less likely you’ll be able to move on. Every time you write to him, talk to him or visit his house, you’re taking a step backward instead of forward. not only that but it makes you look completely desperate and gives him the upper hand.

i seriously only think of these two specific quotes when i think of getting over a break up and/or when healing a broken heart: “Time heals all wounds” and “Where one door closes, another one opens.” i know, kind of cheesy but absolutely true . while you may not be able to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel now, ii can guarantee that the day will come when you’ll know that your broken heart has officially healed.





good luck girls