Tuesday, July 03, 2018

Happiness is a state of being

Money will not bring you happiness. The perfect banging bod will not bring you happiness. Your dream house will not bring you happiness. Having a partner will not bring you happiness.

But poverty won't bring you happiness either. Being sick and and unwell won't bring you happiness and being homeless most likely won't. Wandering alone the rest of your life probably isn't where happiness is either- unless thats truly your thing.

We're all searching for happiness and after a lot of my own searching this is what I have found:

Happiness is a state of being.

It's an inside thing.

The outside details are up to you to fill in how YOU want to live this life. But most times the power we have to create our life gets tangled with the projection, shame, and "shoulds" floating around.

So if no one has told you:

This life is YOURS.
You get to create every juicy detail.

Don't let anyone put limits on how you show up in this life, how you experience this life, and how you move through this life.

You can have everything that your heart desires.

But first, the inside thing must be worked on or none of the outside things will matter or show up even if you want them to.

What does happiness look like for you when you don't have to choose this or that??

I decided that I don't want to be a mom. I am happy living a life without my own children. Two stepchildren is more than enough.. I have nieces and nephews to fulfill my baby fever the few times I get it.. oh and trust me they get rid of it just as quick as it comes ;-) I decided I want to stop saving every dollar, and actually create experiences that will last me longer than any dollar can.  Just living life! Living life contributes greatly to the experiences I get to taste, touch, see, and enjoy as well as my ability to help others. I also decided a well cared for body would be the icing on the top. My health is super important to me now.

But before any of that could happen, I had to work on my insides- where happiness is cultivated and birthed, and abandon every single notion that any one else shoved in front of me regarding what what acceptable for my life.

I get to decide.

And so do you.

How amazing is that?

Friday, February 09, 2018

Thank You Note

This is a note of thank you to the man who never had the balls to claim me.

Although I am a strong woman these days, I realize I still have so far to travel on this journey, I also feel immensely thankful for all those “maybes” and “what ifs.”

Thank you for teaching me to embrace, love and revel in my wild.

I am appreciative for those who I made uncomfortable with my truth. It was only through learning how much others don’t like the truth exposed, to learn for myself how much I crave its very existence—if truth were a drug it would be my favorite high.

Thank you for teaching me to never be afraid of the darkness that the truth may hold. 

I’m gratified for each and every time that I felt I wasn’t getting what I needed from a man—because in fact I wasn’t. It was only through looking at what I didn’t have that made me realize what I do want. While I may travel along empty back roads by myself at times, I also have realized that it’s okay to not accept less than what I deserve, regardless of if it makes sense to others or not.

Thank you for showing me everything that I don’t want, so that when I finally come face-to-face with what I do want—I’ll have the courage to go after it. 

I am thankful for the insecurities that your actions brought out in me, because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. In looking at what emotions the behaviors of the others were triggering in me I had the ability to look at myself and make the choice on how I wanted to feel. It was only through this experience that I learned no one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them permission to do so.

Thank you for helping make me into the strong confident woman that I am today. 

Even though at the time it is never easy, I am simply so grateful that you never loved me enough. We never love the same way twice, and while I know in your own way you did love me, it wasn’t the kind that could keep me warm on a blustery winter’s eve. Thank you for showing me that I don’t want someone to be only half in love with me, or to merely appreciate me—but to leave them breathless.

Thank you for teaching me that the love I seek is the one that is extraordinary. 

I am so grateful that I was able to feel what it was like to be trapped by normality, because it taught me that I will never fit into any sort of box or label. I was not put here to make others feel comfortable, but instead to make them feel alive.

Thank you for never appreciating me for my individuality and spirit, because it taught me how important it is to stay true to myself. 

Although being alone was tinged in isolation at times, I realize now that it was in those moments that I was able to take root and bloom into myself. Finding our own way in this world where so many think they know what is right for each of us is the most difficult work we will do. I will always be grateful for you trying to change me so that I was able to realize I am exactly as I should be..

Thank you for leaving me with my loneliness so I could find my way back to myself.

I am so appreciative for you having tried to make me the woman behind the man, because it was there in the shadows I learned that I am meant to be a partner and nothing else. I can create a lot more trouble in this world next to a man who appreciates the burn of originality.

Thank you for attempting to dim my light so I learned that I needed to burn as bright as I could.

Thank you for not being the man that I needed, so that instead I was able to see the woman I already was. 

Thank you for never having the balls to stake a claim on my heart, because it left the space and opportunity for someone who was brave enough to take a chance on the wonderful desire of the unknown—someone who cultivates every trait you tried to suppress.

Thank you for being all wrong, because it showed me what right looks like—and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

 Image may contain: 1 person, standing and dancing

“The right man will love all the things about you that the wrong man was intimidated by.”  ~ Unknown

Wednesday, November 22, 2017



I have been blogging all my life; but have been posting on this particular blog on and off the past 5 years. I bring it up because it is amazing how much of a difference a couple years can make. My post ideas.. the words I use.. all of it has been busted. Everything is so different. Much less time for blogging; but it's a sacrifice I am will to take with how my life is these days.

I am so different. I am so improved.

Without going into details, I wanted to post about some revelations I have experienced the past couple years. While I mostly consider my life private, because people are so quick to judge; I feel I have a lot to tell the world, to help the world, to help girls who were in my shoes 5 years ago. Thus the point of this post...
Image result for you have grown up

Just my two cents!

Those friends who lend a shoulder for you to cry on are the same friends to talk about how sorry they feel for you to others. Those friends you feel have your back through it all, are the first to laugh at you behind your back. I had a couple friends today make statuses on Facebook mentioning how no one is around or there for them when 'shit hits the fan' or they are down in the dumps. Yet when they are doing good, they have lots of friends. I just read these and laugh. Let's think this through...

You are a person, and you have a friend who is going through a rough patch. You tell this friend what you think she needs to do, and why she keeps getting the same negative results. You offer her advice, you offer her ways out, you do all you feel you can as a friend without jeopardizing your own life, yet this person does not listen. Keep in mind for this person to do your recommendations, they would have to make some serious changes. No one likes change, I get it.

So that is when you know this person has to find out on their own time. They have to learn themselves. There is nothing more you can do to help this person. So because of that, you stop giving them what they want (what is actually hurting them.)

But you keep faith. One day you hope this person will realize you only tried to help. You have to give tough love..this person will appreciate the GOOD friend you were, and have always been.

Or you can only hope they do..

I was in that same position. I felt there was no way out, so I had to do what i had to do to justify all the wrongdoing I did in my mind. I had to remind myself I am a good person, and I may be doing a bad thing but it is for a greater cause. Yeah, it was all bullshit. I was justifying being a piece of shit.

It took me a while to understand this. I still have my moments; but I have made peace with my past. I was so headstrong yet I allowed a person to control me. To hurt me. To hurt those I love. To kill everything that I ever loved.

I took up drawing and one day Jeff came across my drawings in my old place, and loved them. Two years later guess what he got me as part of our anniversary present? Sketch paper, and drawing charcoal, pencils, and markers.. and said "you need to draw again." It felt so good to hold that drawing pad in my hands. To have all that paper to let my creativity burst at its seams.

The cherry on top was remembering the time when my ex told me I'm wasting my time. He told me I should direct my time to other things. It was no surprise when I finally got away I drew my heart out; creating over 78 drawings in one year.

My point is there comes in life you just get to that point. you grow the fuck up. 

Or, you don't - but know you are who you hang out with. If it sounds like a duck, talks like a duck, then it is a duck. Surround yourself with low lives, you will be a lowlife. 

That simple, folks!

Sunday, October 01, 2017

Maintaining That Summer Glow..

Summer is over!

I am actually really sad; but I have so many things coming up the next few months so those events alone are keeping my spirits up! This is the season us ladies tend to hit the tanning beds most frequent to maintain a glow during this awfully cold season.. unless of course you are one of the lucky ducks that live in warm weather all year round! (So jealous!) Tanning Beds have got a lot of flack over the years, and for good reason! We all are aware of the dangers of UV rays & skin cancer & blah blah blah.. So we'll just skip all that lecturing stuff and jump right into what this post is really about. So, if you are looking for an alternative solution to the tanning bed, look no further. This is a rather long post so you might as well get a snack and a six pack, and enjoy!


Million Dollar Tan- Tan Icon Extreme

Rating: 9.0
If you're in with the beauty blogging world, you are probably aware this is the MOST endorsed self tanning product among the best gurus. I love this product for the tan guard, its spray formula, ease of use, and flawless finish. The brush allows better & more controlled blending than a glove (especially around the hands, elbows, and knees). With that said, for it being an "Extreme" tan it's really not that extreme... well until you shower... and then watch your tan swirling down the drain. What you are left with is still tan, just not extreme (on me at least. Keep your own skin tone in mind when comparing.... if you are really pale you might be blown away haha). Unless there is some secret to locking it in, that's why I knocked off some points. Otherwise, I do really love everything else about this product.

Million Dollar Tan- Cabana Tan Face
Rating: 10.0

When it comes to self tanners, I strongly believe for the best, streak less results, a tan guard is a MUST. This product is the exception.. and maybe it is because you can see the entire surface of your face versus the rest of your body so you can blend it better? Whatever it is, this tans my face so amazingly natural and flawless... not to mention the smell will literally drag you away into paradise. I cannot find one bad thing to say about this product, and in fact, I have become so obsessed with it I have ZERO desire to try any other face tanners. This is the STANDARD product for the face.. not the Extreme. I have medium skin and it tans my face to perfection.

St. Tropez Bronzing Mousse

So when it comes to St. Tropez versus MDT, I gave this one half a point more ONLY because of the color payoff. The color result you get (from standard variation) is almost identical to the color result of MDT Tan Icon Extreme. It is only slightly lighter.. slightly. I can't even imagine the result from the Dark variation. As far as watching it go down the drain after showering, this does the same thing... and also kind of stinks after 8 hours. I always apply my tanners before bed so it's not like I was running a marathon. The smell when I wake up kind of bothers me, my boyfriend too - but there is nothing soap & water can't fix!

L'Oreal Sublime Deep Natural Tan

Rating: 8
Straight up, this is a true dark tan.. and almost instantly. It develops quick. It is cheap, easy to obtain, and perfect if you're on a budget. A little bit goes a long way too. The only thing that bothers me is the shimmer that comes with it.. If I apply at night, a lot of the shimmer seems to be gone by
morning (thank you sheets). This DOES rub off on clothes slightly too. It claims it does not, but it does (Don't worry, it washes out). The smell is also a little too "sunscreeny" for my liking, but hey that's just me. All & all this honestly is a great tanner for the price and availability... plus it gets ya darker than both St. Tropez & MDT.. but again, downfall is it comes off quicker so you need to apply 2-3 times a week.

Available at any drug store.

Sephora Tinted Body Mist

Ratimg 7.5

Comparing this among the others really is not fair. As it is a "tinted mist" this is not typically meant for an all over color. I mean, I guess you can use it for that, but I personally don't think you will be impressed. I got it as a gift, and that is the only reason I am including this. I think it is the perfect product for touch ups or when you are running out the door. We've all been there.. put a little swanky top on to find your chest & arms are pasty as shit. That is when this product comes into play. Just spray and blend into desired areas and boom. Instant tan. Instant. (I apply 2 coats).

My favorite:

Fake Bake Flawless

The best tan, the one I rated number one and also the best I have ever used is FAKE BAKE FLAWLESS. It costs $20. This, to my surprise came not only with a latex glove but also a velvety textured mitten which ensured a more even and easy application. The absolute best and most positive thing about this product is the fact that it does not smell! Well it does, but it smells of soap or light perfume rather than chemical/product. My tanned skin after showering was amazing. I had finally achieved the perfect golden glow! It wasn't a harsh dull brown, it was golden. I also found that moisturizing every night means that this process only has to be repeated once per week which is obviously a huge bonus. This great fake tan has been awarded top marks by me and has earned itself a permanent place in my bathroom. :)

Self Tanner Crash Course
Tan Guards: If you have ever used a self tanner, you know some come in white lotions or are transparent when applied. And then there are others that are just straight up brown-- that's the tan guard. It allows you to see exactly where you are applying (my preferred method) to prevent streaks or missed areas. I will absolutely not use anything else.

Safety: My best friend recently complained to me about how pale she was, but did not want to use the tanning bed anymore. I suggested a self tanner to her and she replied back that "self tanners are harmful to your skin.. blah blah blah," so here's the truth:

The main ingredient in self tanners is DHA, a property derived directly from the sugar cane plant. When applied, DHA reacts with dead skin cells and leaves a temporary color. DHA is 100% approved by the FDA, and there is no evidence to support it is harmful, even for you prego ladies! However, it can enhance the reaction of UV rays, so always wear sunscreen when being exposed to the sun for a long period of time... especially when using self tanners. The bottom line: DHA is not a harmful chemical, it's a complex form of sugar. Who doesn't like sugar?? ;-)

Fading: Additionally, you should know this up front: If you are looking for a self tanner that is not going to become "blotchy" or "patchy" after a few days, you're never going to find one. Ever. That's just an overall con about self tanners that is inevitable. You shed millions of skin cells daily so when your tanner starts becoming "blotchy", it's not the tanner itself, it's your dead skin cells wearing away. Your activeness will determine how quick, and where you will start to find patchy spots. Sweat can also knock some time off your self tanner. As you sweat, it brings the tanner to the surface. So if you work out every day as I do, it will fade sooner. With that said, although a tanner last X amount of days, I tend to apply more frequently to prevent patchiness before it occurs. Ex: Million Dollar Tan lasts 5-7 days so I apply every 4 days because I work out 2-3 days a week.

Exfoliating: Although DHA reacts with dead skin, you want your epidermis (outer layer) to be even and free of impurities. Exfoliating before any tanning in general is very important to ensure an even tan. Exfoliating prior will help make your tan last longer too.

Removal: If you have ever used a self tanner, you know trying to remove it is a pain in the butt, especially if you have neglected your tan and are starting to look like you have a skin disease from the splotchy areas. We've all been there, right?! Fortunately, I know of a few methods to help. The first I stumbled upon by complete accident when I was testing eye shadow swatches on my arm. I took a makeup remover wipe and started wiping the swatches off (not gentle, but not too forceful either, just enough pressure) and noticed my tanner began lifting off my skin as well. it made my exfoliating process so much easier and more effective. It's like it had already done half the work and lifted most of it to the surface. So ever since, I do a quick rub down with makeup remover wipes before the 2 methods below. The other is just to exfoliate and use a stronger soap.

additional tips;;
please try your best to follow my tips as it really can make or break your tan.
[ 1 ] Forward planning is the key. You need at least two days of gentle exfoliation, do not try and scrub at your skin the day of tanning in one go, trust me it doesn’t work, especially if you already have a build up of tan on your skin. I recommend the Body Shop’s exfoliation gloves, $3.90 which are fantastic for boosting circulation and getting rid of dead skin. Always moisturize well afterwards for skin so smooth you’ll be making everyone feel it.
[ 2 ] Careful not to apply too much moisturizer to your body before tanning as it may not react well. Only apply moisturizer to your dry areas. For me this includes hands and feet, elbows, knees and the area around my under arms. Leave this to sink in for around 10 minutes before applying your tan, this will ensure the lotion does not stick to your dry areas and leave them looking darker.
[ 3 ] Application. Always always use a mitt or gloves, brown hands are a tell tale sign your sun-kissed glow might have come for a bottle and are to be avoided at any cost. I favor a mitt which you can pick up from Boots for around $3 as it acts like a foundation sponge and minimizes streaks. The amount of lotion you need will become clear through trial and error but remember less is more, you can always go back and top it up. Start at your feet and work your way up your body to avoid any wrinkle lines on your stomach. Remember you are not trying to run the lotion in but coat your body in a thin layer of it.

[ 4 ] The lotion is best applied at night and left for a minimum, I would recommend, of ten hours. Leaving it for less time can often mean the color doesn't develop as dark and with such a pricey product you want to make sure you get optimum results.

[ 5 ] Always shower in the morning to rinse off the tan, you do not want to be sitting in a brown bath. Don’t be alarmed at the color you see in the mirror, the tan will have developed over night and the majority will wash off in the shower leaving the stain on your body. Use a gentle shower gel and sponge so as not to remove too much of the color.

Are you all tanned out not?? Ready.. set.. get tan!!

Have you tried any of these products? What are your favorite self tanners?


Tuesday, June 27, 2017

the most important element.

i've been a total shut-in lately. which some people may say that i need that, lol but i do need some human interaction every now and then to feel normal.. even if it’s by phone and internet.  i haven't been doing much of that lately, either.. which means when I do go out, I feel kind of out-of-sorts. like i'm visiting a foreign land instead of just hanging out with friends/people I know..

so that's when i decided to go out yesterday. Jeff and I went out with a few of his friends, and their wives. Least to say, i had a very nice night full of laughs and it became kind of bittersweet because i have wanted so long to be around friends who were couples and had great relationships. Refreshing it actually does exist. :)

Jeff and i decided to take a walk on the river on the way home when i overheard a distraught women telling a friend about a recent fight with her boyfriend. she went on to tell her friend a long list of horrible things the guy had said to her. Something she said stuck with me... "his words were like fists." i instantly felt her pain. emotional abuse can be so much worse than physical some times. you'd think it would be the opposite but with physical pain, the wounds heal. emotional pain leaves scars that can be so unbearable you wouldn't know what to do to feel better again. i can’t imagine patching things up after a fight like that... and i have been in some pretty awful fights.

Which got me thinking of the most painful thing a man has ever said to me...i can't even pinpoint it to one thing but i thought about it all last night. And, in the end, and i realized that the most hurtful thing a man can ever say without truly meaning it is "i love you." As that for me, would make me feel wanted and needed thus allowing me to put my trust and all into him. Though the reality would just be him letting me fall on my ass.

So today i would like to address one of the most important elements that must exist in any healthy relationship. this is not something you can buy, borrow or steal because this basic necessity can only be earned. what is this thing that bonds couples together and helps to create a healthy relationship between two committed people?

one word--it's trust!

By definition, trust is “a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity and reliability of another person.” We all are familiar with the warmth and safety trust can provide; however, we also know the intense emotional pain and agony of having experienced trust broken. since trust is a basic necessity in a healthy relationship, I find it rather curious that the word “us” sits comfortably in the midst of the word trust. the truth is that there can be no us if there is no trust, because trust is one of the critical bonds that connect and endear two people to one another. so with this as our foundation today, i'd like you to think about two questions today regarding trust:

Are you trustworthy? Do you trust easy? Do you deserve to be entrusted?

i trust you will find these questions a bit challenging, insightful and enlightening. are you trustworthy in one sense but not in another ?? are you more bound to be trusted in or doing the trusting in another?? there are so many different aspects of this word. so i want you to really think about them, and afterwards really think about that person and make sure they know just how much they mean to you.. because after all we are never promised tomorrow and you may never get another chance to do so.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

RoseGal Review

 Hello my pretties!

I am trying my hardest to really blog more, life just goes way too fast when you're having fun! I wanted to do a quick review on RoseGal.com -- The website is full to the brim with gorgeous clothes and timelessly beautiful styles. They specialise in vintage clothing, but also offer a range of ‘modern’ fashion. However it was the vintage styles that lured me to the site, and it didn’t take long before I decided to make a purchase – just a small one to try it out, as I’d never heard of the website and wasn’t sure how the items would fit me as it’s all Asian sizing (which is ridiculously small).

 Either way, I wanted to list some of the trendy items I saw on there and totally love!

High Neck Swim Suits!

Sexy Women's Swimwear!

Some items that caught my eye:

Pompon See-Through Crochet
Tunic Beach Cover Up


Vest American Flag Print Fringed
Patriotic Midi Dress