I have been blogging all my life; but have been posting on this particular blog on and off the past 5 years. I bring it up because it is amazing how much of a difference a couple years can make. My post ideas.. the words I use.. all of it has been busted. Everything is so different. Much less time for blogging; but it's a sacrifice I am will to take with how my life is these days.
I am so different. I am so improved.
Without going into details, I wanted to post about some revelations I have experienced the past couple years. While I mostly consider my life private, because people are so quick to judge; I feel I have a lot to tell the world, to help the world, to help girls who were in my shoes 5 years ago. Thus the point of this post...
Just my two cents!
Those friends who lend a shoulder for you to cry on are the same friends to talk about how sorry they feel for you to others. Those friends you feel have your back through it all, are the first to laugh at you behind your back. I had a couple friends today make statuses on Facebook mentioning how no one is around or there for them when 'shit hits the fan' or they are down in the dumps. Yet when they are doing good, they have lots of friends. I just read these and laugh. Let's think this through...
You are a person, and you have a friend who is going through a rough patch. You tell this friend what you think she needs to do, and why she keeps getting the same negative results. You offer her advice, you offer her ways out, you do all you feel you can as a friend without jeopardizing your own life, yet this person does not listen. Keep in mind for this person to do your recommendations, they would have to make some serious changes. No one likes change, I get it.
So that is when you know this person has to find out on their own time. They have to learn themselves. There is nothing more you can do to help this person. So because of that, you stop giving them what they want (what is actually hurting them.)
But you keep faith. One day you hope this person will realize you only tried to help. You have to give tough love..this person will appreciate the GOOD friend you were, and have always been.
Or you can only hope they do..
I was in that same position. I felt there was no way out, so I had to do what i had to do to justify all the wrongdoing I did in my mind. I had to remind myself I am a good person, and I may be doing a bad thing but it is for a greater cause. Yeah, it was all bullshit. I was justifying being a piece of shit.
It took me a while to understand this. I still have my moments; but I have made peace with my past. I was so headstrong yet I allowed a person to control me. To hurt me. To hurt those I love. To kill everything that I ever loved.
I took up drawing and one day Jeff came across my drawings in my old place, and loved them. Two years later guess what he got me as part of our anniversary present? Sketch paper, and drawing charcoal, pencils, and markers.. and said "you need to draw again." It felt so good to hold that drawing pad in my hands. To have all that paper to let my creativity burst at its seams.
The cherry on top was remembering the time when my ex told me I'm wasting my time. He told me I should direct my time to other things. It was no surprise when I finally got away I drew my heart out; creating over 78 drawings in one year.
My point is there comes in life you just get to that point. you grow the fuck up.
Or, you don't - but know you are who you hang out with. If it sounds like a duck, talks like a duck, then it is a duck. Surround yourself with low lives, you will be a lowlife.
That simple, folks!