Monday, January 14, 2013

do you hate yourself?

So I've been on Facebook && Myspace quite a bit lately, and I've been seeing so many different friends of mine saying how much they hate themselves. And while I am sure all of them have their own version of each reason, I pretty much summed it up to a few reasons why:

rejection. love. acceptance. hitting life's bottom.

(A) Rejection We all must face rejection in our lives. Rejection from members of the opposite sex, rejection over a promotion at work, rejection at a life that does not measure up to the big plans we once had. Rejection will come, but we must not let it consume us. I have learned in the past that when rejection comes, it is not the end of the world. Sure, there are times I am depressed for a little while and there is a lot of self-examination, but over time I learned that rejection is not the end, but the beginning of something else.

(B): Love and Acceptance It is human nature to want to feel the love and acceptance of others, but when it doesn't happen in our timetable, we often turn to ourselves as the source of our failure. When someone does not accept or show love to you, don't hate yourself for it. Rather, take time to consider the situation surrounding why you were not accepted or loved. In the end, you will realize (like I did) that not everyone is going to accept you and love you. If you stay true to who you are, sooner or later you will find the love and acceptance you are looking for.

(C): Hitting Rock Bottom Have you ever felt like you've hit bottom? I'm talking about those times when you say, "If I only had one break, I know I could get out of this situation I am in." I can't help but think of Eminem's song titled "Rock Bottom." At one time in my life, that song spoke to my more clear than I spoke to myself. I related to it so much... every word. I know I have had quite a few times like that in my life and it is not a nice feeling. Many times when we are at rock bottom, we become extremelyyy depressed that can lead to self-pity and self-pity can cause us to say, "I hate myself" for not being able to get out of this.. and this can lead to many other things such as drug or alcohol addiction.

Most of the time when we hit rock bottom it is by circumstances of our own making. In our minds, we feel that since we are the one who caused the problem we should be the ones to get ourselves out of the problem. When things continue to spiral downward, we start to play the blame game which always leads to wrong conclusions about ourselves. In the end, we start to hate ourselves for allowing things to get this bad. When you hit bottom, don't hate yourself. Swallow your pride and seek help elsewhere...don't be in denial.

I know my strengths and weakness and I am going to make more mistakes, but I can't let the mistakes get to me. I know it sounds simple and it will take work, but when you make a mistake, learn from it and move on.

Sometimes we hate ourselves for not living up to our own or anothers' expectations. The fact is that sooner or later most of us in our lifetime are going to utter the word's "I hate myself." The words "I hate myself" by themselves hold no power over us, but the problem starts when you begin to believe the words.

Oddly enough, all the above reasons are reasons I have personally dealt with in the past. There were times I hated who I was and wanted to change myself so I could be like everyone else. Then one day I realized that I am not like everyone else. I am me, so I set out to be me and I soon found that I no longer hated myself. I did not take the things that happened to me so personally anymore. I do not know if it will work for you, but isn't it worth a shot? what do you honestly have to lose?

xox rica

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

..dead & gone...

Love is really like a roller coaster because for as many ups and downs you two have went through, you're still ready to throw up after all is said and done.

disclaimer: this is myyy opinion, not any one elses'. please refrain from telling me i am wrong on whatever it may be as these opinions are based on my own experience, and experiences of those around me.  i know that's kind of inevitable to not have some sort of opinion, and i would hope you'd share it with me in the comments, but please-- spare me the bullshit.

due to valentine's day around the corner, I have been thinking about break ups, and how females deal with them these days. no longer do i see girls crying about the ones they loved, but now in this anger phase and an almost vengeful manner on a road to fuck him over as hard as possible.. i mean, i know it almost embarrasses some girls to say that they loved their ex, but hey, we got to kiss a few frogs to find our prince right? sucks when the guy has the personality of a toad and the looks of a prince though. But if he's stupid enough to walk away, you have to be smart enough to let go right?

So it starts out as thus.. while with him.. you swear the song "With You" by Jessica Simpson was your anthem. That's how happy you were. Everyone knew how insanely in love you were with him, and how he was your world. you cut off a lot of relationships with people for him, and put him in the center of your world. you went against my family for him. you would do anything to spend one minute with him.. ya'll were so happy. Then... **drum roll** everything came crashing down. && i swear this crash was bigger than the world trade center buildings collapsing. now your theme song at this time was "Why do I stay in Love?" by Mariah Carey

Things just got wayyy out of hand. You cant believe the shit you were taking, and it always pissed you off to hear people tell you "oh you deserve better leave leave leave" blah blah blah. shut the fuck upppppp. seriously. you know this. but at the time, you didn't have options. but the truth was, you were scared. no fuck that, you was terrified_ of everything. you were so scared of walking out of that house believing ypu would never feel again.. believing there would never be another man for you.. believing you could never share what you did with him with someone else.. not only that, but you just felt like it wouldn't be fair to whoever the new guy is because you thought you would never be emotionally over him.

So of course, this breakup has to be the most challenging thing in the world. Is there a such thing as an easy break up? not in this world. he has to talk so much shit about you, and for a while it realllllllly got to ya. but its important to never actually BELIEVe what he said was true about yourself, but i know it still pains you to have believed what he said was what he actually thought of you which reallllyyyyy hurts inside. "how can someone who i loved so much say THAT about ME? does he really think of my body like that??" is on repeat on your mind..

Then you started thinking about him. family knew it all along, but you purposely ignored them. didnt want to believe it. and you still don't. but you have to. He tried to control the fuck out of you because he lacked stability elsewhere in his life. Because you loved the fuck out of him, you let him do this. you considerd his jealousy his way of "Caring" but really he did not know what the fuck he had. How many dudes out there can say they have one girl who was down as hell for them and would do anything for you? none. that's why. because it just don't happen like that.

i think break ups are the biggest lessons to learn in life, they build at least 50% of your character, your friends dont understand your position and you didn't understand theirs. i think the funny thing about breakups is they point out what we didn't even know we had, but don't give us the option of going back into battle armed with that knowledge. if u knew what you know now, you would do a few things differently. you wouldn't have been such a fool to change every aspect of your life to suit his wants and needs. don't regret it because, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"..

So after the split, youre stuck listening to all the breakup songs in the world.. hence my list of theme songs within this blog alone. lol i swear if breakups never existed, the music industry would go bankrupt. && Of course, you incessantly crying myself stupid just figuring out what and how the fuck things got sooo bad.. where did it start? was it something you said? was it something we both are guilty of? how did it escalate so high and neither of us notice? but you know what girly? time. they say its never on our side but when it comes down to it -- there's a time for everything.. There's a time to speak up, and a time to be silent... there's a time to learn and a time to teach.. there's a time to listen and a time to be heard.. there's a time to LOSE and a time to gain.. and that time is now. Which is why you should no longer rebound your decision. don't go on saying you gave him up-- cus YOU did not give up SHIT-- he gave YOU up by treating you the way he did. he didn't think you'd leave, and took advantage of it and pushed it the furthest extent he could.. til u just snapped. your bond broke in two, beyond repair.

then you find yourself looking at all of your photos with him. pictures are what you have when you have lost everything else.. then it creeps into your dreams (or nightmares rather) but when u give up both the photos and the dreams.. the only thing left is bliss. so why do u still feel so shitty? i think i can take a guess.. because trying to forget about someone who was your world for years and years is like trying to remember somebody you never met. impossible. you will still be dreading the time to change your status on Myspace and facebook to "single" :( how can this be? I was always the girl that was going to be married before everyone else, who was going to be a mommy before everyone else, and be settled in life while everyone else was partying. i never got into the crazy single lifestyle.. i liked being tied down, why? because it felt safe. I was stable in life. i liked knowing what my plans were. i guess im putting things backwards a bit.. but fuck, i'm thinking silly because i am still soo young.. i got soo much time. i just fear for the worse.. if you know what i mean.

Then it was time to start listening to the strengthening songs like "H.A.T.E. Y.O.U." by Mariah Carey.. funny how some songs suite your situation soo perfectly.. because that song is it. it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Now "Love the way you lie" is the song he dedicates to me. fuck all that. i am not going to even think about anything to do with him because it just reminds me of how stupid i was. how foolish i was to fall in love.

pain is inevitable :: suffering is optional.

By the way, my new anthem is "Single Again REMIX" by Trina & Lil WEEZY

I always thought I was one of the lucky ones, ya know when the love was like lightning, short lived and intense. You spent days daydreaming and doodling his name over every inch of your notebook. Just thinking about holding hands was enough to give you butterflies. He asks you to dance and you’re so sure that you’re going to marry this boy. Then one way or another, he breaks your heart, and you feel every single shattered piece tearing you apart. For about a week. Then the next crush comes along and life is amazing again. I never went through the make up break up shit. it was different for me. him and i were together going strong for five years.

Now it’s more like thunder. It starts off with an explosion and then slowly wears itself out. When you really want it, you can only hear it faintly in the distance, over some other town. And when you just want it to stop, it seems to linger on forever.. why can't it just be over with? do break ups really have to be this way?

there's always room for improvement, and Lord knows I have definitely got to realize what i can deserve, and that's more than an immature pussy.

i now vow to always remember myself and what I want in every situation. I would respect myself enough to consider my own feelings. I’d learn how listen to gut feelings and realize that that’s my heart trying to give me a hint on where to go. I would never ever again allow someone to disrespect, neglect, or make me feel inferior.

I am done feeling inferior, considering I had a firm hand in all of it. Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”, and she’s right. I had the power to ensure that I did not feel second best, but I had not yet realized where that power lied nor how to use it. Now I do. And you're done for bitch boy.

You can tell a man 'I hate you,'
and you'll have the best sex of your life,
but tell him, 'I love you' and you'll
probably never see him again.
~Sex and the City


xox rica