death ;; you cannot avoid it.

no matter who we are, where we live, or what we do, death will touch all of us in some way or another. although there is a lot to learn and understand about death-- much more than i can everrr express in this blog-- it's still important to express your feelings on death because i've learned this can help others cope with it when it may happen to them. a friend of mine recently had a close family friend die unexpectedly and it just hit me that we all take life for granted way too much. i am so happy that i am able to breathe in fresh air every day, to be able to eat what i want, do what i want, wear what i want, etc are all gifts that cannot be measured.

unfortunate as it may be, death is an inevitable part of life && we will all be touched by the reaper at some point in our lives. I, personally, am soooo blessed to not have dealt with a single close death to me that had literally touched me to the point of extreme depression. i do know that death is a difficult thing to work through though.. it leaves you feeling so empty and alone but there are a lot of ways one can find peace after a recent death of a close one. when you lose someone close to you , your senses are flooded with multiple emotions.. there's anger, denial, depression, frustration, and above all just plain sadness.

it is perfectly normal to feel anger toward the person you lost. after all, they left you alone. Someday that anger will subside and you will have overcome the frustration of loss. Sadness and grief will probably be with you for life, but they get easier to deal with over time. Even though you may feel that you cannot survive another day because the grief is so overwhelming, you can and you will. Face each day and conquer it!

many people let grief win and overtake their lives. they become consumed in their sorrow and almost cease to function. this actually becomes detrimental to their health. i jus cannot stress it enoug hthat no matter how hard it may seem, you need to move forward. i always tell the people that have lost someone close to them to jus think about what they would want. would they want you to suffer endlessly because of their lost. but when it comes down to it... only time will help you overcome the anger and will dull the pain of loss.

the reason why I really wanted to touch on this topic was because there was a recent death of a very young man this past week, and i couldnt help but think what awful timing it was. i mean, of course there is no good timing, but dealing with death of close ones I'm sure makes things a lot harder.

Rest In Paradise to all of those to have lost a loved one this year.

where were you on 9/11?

September 11th, 2001

i have been wanting to address my thoughts on this horrific day for some time now. I truly hate this time of year because I always find myself googling all of the victim's families, and sending out my prayers and condolences  if any thing, i feel honored to have a post on my blog site dedicated to all of our amazing country's heroes who had given the greatest sacrifice on September 11th, 2001.

my parents' generation will never forget where they were the moment they heard that JFK was shot.. and my generation will never forget where we were on September 11, 2001. Very unfortunate each generation has at lease one of these days in them.

I was so young around the time of the 9/11 disasters. I distinctly remember always following my brothers around..&& that morning was no different.

I went to the workout center with them, placed my headphones on my ears-- blasting 50 cent who at the time just came out with "Stunt 101" with G-Unit. I then started my run on the treadmill while trying to be the first of my girls to remember all the lyrics to the song to which we battle it out later that day at recess. (lol lames) I looked up to see the television in the corner of the room and saw what looked like an airplane that had hit a tall skyscraper. I thought to myself Hollywood was trying to market another blockbuster movie with an airplane that hit a building and it was some sort of evil character involved. I was legit waiting for the Hulk to come around the corner, or for Spider Man to come flying in attached to a web. Rolling my eyes, i continued to run on the treadmill. It never crossed my mind that it could possibly be one of our country's worse days in its history.

People began to gather around the television with faces of shock..and not interest like I was expecting. At this point, I recognized it was the World Trade Center in New York City. It wasn’t a Hollywood movie, this had actually happened. I hopped off the treadmill and headed to my brothers as fast as possible.

We ran back home which was only a few blocks away. My mom was glued to the TV. We all, like so many, wondered how this could possibly be happening. How did these planes get through? How did suicide bombers take control of an airplane? How How How? and then ... Why!!?!?!?!? Just then, we watched the second plane hit and our jaw dropped. For several minutes we were speechless. my mom said "who could do such a thing?" my dad said, “It’s Osama Bin Laden”. then the Pentagon was hit. then the World Trade Center buildings fell, one after the other. we, like all Americans, were horrified, petrified, in shock.

the airports were closed for several days. we were all still in fear and shock that our country had been attacked. i was so young to grasp what had happened.. but all i remember is seeing the wreckage of the World Trade Center on tv.. words cannot describe the feeling of watching the embers still burning months later when news coverage covered all channels of television for months to come today marks 14 years, and the pain, anger, and sadness still remain.

yet i am proud of the heroism of so many citizens on that day, proud of our country’s resilience in the wake of this horrible tragedy, and........

........ so proud to be an American.

Here are some other links if you care to get more into it && read up on other conspiracies and more back ground information on the war.

First Responder

We Always Remember

i want you to find your nearest first responder and give that person a big hug. seriously. say thank you to the cops, the fire fighters, and the emergency technicians in your area. i know we are in tha chi and not new york, but you never know what can happen. just do it cus you know they would do all the can to save you if you were trapped in a burning building. they do amazing jobs as it is, i cannot imagine a situation and tragedy like 9/11 to occur.. not just them but even a nurse, a doctor, etc.. thank them, too. being a first responder is a job, but it’s also a calling. Humanity is not lost. We have people in our society who are willing to step up, risk it all, and help during a crisis. one of those people is my very own blood brother.

we are a great country.

real eyes realize real lies

I think that we all forget how great we truly are.

I think sometimes we get caught up in how everyone else is defining us, that we forget to remember that the only thing that really matters is HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF and there is NO REASON for you to be trying to get a guys attention every single day… If he’s too blind to see what’s right in front of him, he’s not worthy of you… plain and simple, because the guy who can’t get you off his mind, the one who can tell you’re beautiful and mean it with all his heart, is the one you want.. not the one who’s with you… while he’s still looking for the next best thing. Take it form me, I am all too familiar.

i know that some times i may not look like I’m not all “put together” as I seem. Yes, everything on the outside of me is always perfectly done. But on the inside I’m truly a fucking mess at times. there is a more to me than what meets the eye. From the looks of me, it is easy to make the following assumptions:

conceited: in fact, i have more insecurities than the next girl. we all do. Does that mean I have to let the world know it? No.  i hold my head up high && come off confident because i am very confident in my knowledge, and ability to accept the fact that I am who I am. I cannot obsess over unrealistic expectations.

know-it-all: i always just give out enough information. (i never disclose it all, that would be my ultimate defeat.)  i am DEEPER than you think. I have been through it all, and therefore help those I know are heading down the path I was on. If I had someone telling me the way at that age I would've very much appreciated it. If you would like to contradict me, I'm game. I can most likely figure you out within 5 minutes of having a conversation with you

Once I do, I thirst for YOU  to figure ME out. I believe myself to be genuine and I would never betray the ones I love. I value my family and those who are REAL. I am constantly thinking and I love to write poetry. i have Loved... Lost... and Learned. (( the three things that every soul should feel. )) i yearn for those that put a smile on my face. I crave for the one that will give to me what I will give to those that give back.

for the past several years i've pretty much kept to myself. too much circulation makes the price go down, if ya catch my drift. The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired.

You must learn when to leave.

Create value through scarcity.. then when you reappear--everyone will be like "wooooww you look amazing!" i've never really accepted the roles that society foists on me. i've recreated myself by forging a new identity-- one that commands attention and never bores my audience.

it took me a while to understand I am  the master of my own image as opposed to letting others define it for me. i believe by doing this my power will be enhanced  and my character will seem larger than life.

power struggle

.. i just truly believe there are certain qualities a person must obtain before being considered powerful themselves.. at least in my mind.

Before you ask yourself how you can become powerful, you must first ask yourself the question, what is power? i mean, some may think it is being able to reach what you want, while others think it is having people respect you. i even heard one person say being powerful is the ability to know how to solve all of your problems in no time!

But let's get real.. power is neither this nor that. it's a state of mind. it's being in control whatever happens, it’s the opposite of being broken, of victimizing yourself or being helpless. i think power is the state of mind that allows you to challenge whatever stands in your way, to bear the worst circumstances ever without cracking and to make your dreams come true with disregard to all the obstacles you face.

not only that, but i think power is a state of mind that can be achieved through a combination of different personality traits that together form the sides of the power cube. anddd i don't think any one can be powerful unless they possess each and every one of these key elements:

•managing your emotions: have there ever been times you became scared? How many times panic has taken over you? How many times were you unable to control your temper and so took a wrong decision? How many emotional decisions have you took then regretted them later? Emotions are very powerful, they can control you and force you to do things you never wanted to do. Some people commit suicide right after a strong emotional experience and this shows how powerful emotions can be. a powerful person is the one who knows how to control her emotions and master them instead of letting them control her. i know being a female this is extremely hard to do.. but it is possible.

•paaaaaatienceeee: Impatience is the lack of ability to tolerate a certain emotional stimulus that is currently affecting you- we all become impatient at some point in our lives. personally, i have grown to be more patient over the years as i have become more involved with children. The more powerful you are the more will you be able to bear the worst circumstances while maintaining your rational thinking and self control. Patience is not waiting but its bearing the bad conditions while working your way through them. If you are not patient then you lack one of the vital sides of the power cube.. you cannot be powerful without this important element.

•persistence: to me, the most persistent person is the one that can’t be stopped whatever happened to her. for instance, something a different as when i broke my arm and wore a sling, however this didn’t stop me from going to the gym 3 times a week to train my upper body. Persistence is not commitment but it’s the ability to keep going even if a storm is blowing in your face...some people can't handle that.

•courage: courage is not only fighting back at those who try to bully you or or being 'brave' .. its looking life straight into the eye, its not freaking out when you forget your keys inside the car and its standing still in the face of the new problems you encounter without collapsing or running away. straight to the point, i consider having courage is not so much not ever being scurred, but having the ability to continue going on while ignoring those fears.

remember, this is just my personal views. keep in mind i have no degrees or licenses on any of this shit, but it' just things i've gathered throughout life && my own wisdom on things. don’t feel bad if you found that you lack any of these qualities or even if you found that you lack them all. another part of power is knowledge, now you know what you lack and what you need to learn, i'm always on the hunt for learning. i love it. you can never stop learning and can never get bored of it. knowledge is power. i think by possessing all of the elements i've listed and keep on the path of grasping all the knowledge you can, you can only wrap up your power cube and become powerful.

Self Reflection

this year has opened my eyes to so much, i do not even know where to begin. i am just so much happier, so much more .. free. i feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i am finally that person i've been dying to be. last year was full of setting goals, and wanting them-- but not having the motivation nor the means to meet them. it's like Tracy DiMarco explains .. "it's like my dream dress. i see it in the window, i want it so bad.. but when i reach out to grab it-- i just can't.." word for word what my year last year was like.

When I began dating my new boyfriend, I was more determined than ever to get my shit together. I wanted to be a person I am proud to give to someone. After my previous relationship, my self confidence and respect were tarnished to such a degree. With that being said, I created a post on listing things i love and dislike about myself. My point is to list everything out-- get it all in print. Then one by one start finding solutions to things i dislike about myself, and to eventually have nothing to list under that list. I know I'm hoping for a lot but hey, we got to start somewhere right? =]

** i recommend any of my readers to really do this as well. you might think it's ridiculous, but when you actually read things you like or hate about yourself-- it's as if it hits you that much harder. maybe it's just me. **

((disclaimer: now girls, this cannot be something you know you can't change. for instance, your nose or the size of your chest. plastic surgery is not a solution i want you to pursue. && if you think it is, then truly ask yourself who you're doing it for and why you want it done?))

1. i love the fact that i am a people person. i can get along with just about any one, my personality is so diverse. I am great at entertaining, putting a genuine smile on someone's face is such a rewarding feeling. i can make even the grumpiest of people laugh.. even if it is a laughing AT me laugh.. ;)

2. i love that i am the first person to offer the shirt off my back to the ones i love, and the ones that i think deserve it. i don't mind sharing my last piece of gum nor last $10 to a friend who needs to buy diapers for her baby girl. As stated above, that truly warms my heart.

3. i love that i am able to differentiate between people who appreciate my generosity and people who take my kindness for weakness & try to take advantage of me without thinking i notice. i have a knack for reading people down to their cores. This isn't always the case, and sometimes I allow people to do so because I feel for them, and know it's not hurting me to help them even if they are taking advantage -- but that never lasts very long.

4. I love that I wake up super positive! Every day! I am happy to see the sun, and to see life!

Now what I want is for all of my readers to do the same. You will be surprised with what you may find out about yourself. You will begin to realize "hey, I do have some killer legs. Maybe I'll sport those capri pants I've been neglecting." or "hey, i can get a job--and will refuse to let my background define who I am, whether in my eye's or in my future employer's eyes."

Go do it ladies!!

... dealing with guilt.

Guilt – the gift that keeps on giving.

The dictionary defines the word "guilt" as a "feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined." Guilt is that part of the human conscience that brings us up short and convicts us for actions and thoughts. Guilt is an inherent human trait that we more often than not naturally attempt to rid our lives of it. Guilt means there is a right and wrong way for us to operate and there are standards of what is good and what is worthy of guilt. thankfully, this guilt "gene" is something that we are born with.

I remember when my younger sister Catfish loved to walk up to any window, and just stare out of it. One specific time, it was a warm day during the summer months, and naturally with a large family home-- we had my 5 brothers and their friends along with 4 Labrador dogs constantly going in and out of the house all throughout the day, least to say flies were a problem. To our luck, Catfish was fascinated with flies and she attempted to catch them almost every time she seen one.. as with any thing else that flied or made a funny noise, and was smaller than her. Whenever I caught her trying to catch the flies, I would smack her hand or mouth (depending on how quick she was lol).

One day, she managed to catch one just as I walked into the room. She quickly put the fly into her mouth. Gross, I know. When I asked her where the fly was, she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, little shit she is lol Her face was a picture of guilt and I could hear the fly buzzing inside of her pursed lips. I was able to free the fly by prying that little mouth open and the fly flew away. Where she then said "how'd that get in there!?" with her big blue eyes popped wide open. too cute, but not good considering flies are soooo dirty and disgusting. yes, i'd brush her teeth and rinse her mouth out quite thoroughly every time i caught her doing it, which fortunately wasn't THAT  often because she hated the consequences I had for her

My point is, guilt is like that fly, it keeps buzzing until we deal with it. It's a buzzing problem.

There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with guilt. Trying to hide it, as my sister did to that fly, does not work. Strangely enough, the more a person is developed and the more they love and they care, the more they might experience guilt.

I used to consider guilt and shame one in the same. But after really thinking about it... they are very different, very different. Shame is more of that uneasy feeling we might get when we might get caught up for what  ever it is we may have done. We might not care whether it was right or wrong necessarily... but we do care whether anyone knows about it or not. Whereas guilt is more related to right and wrong. It is not so much a matter of what others might think but what we ourselves think. I think the main answer is forgiveness. forgiveness means to stop blaming or being angry at another for what they have done, or just coming to terms with that person as a sort of agreement to let itbe wate r under the bridge. not only that but it is ultimately freeing yourself and sometimes even others from an feeling so down.. you need to realize that forgiveness does not mean thinking that what they did was right. When we forgive we still think that what was done was wrong, but we give up punishing ourselves by holding a grudge for what we or another did. We release && let it go.

dealing with guilt

what i really wanted to point out in this blog was ways to deal with the guilt one may have.  there are many different techniques that some may consider common sense, but believe it or not common sense is not so common these days. not to mention when one's mind has soo much weight on it-- you can't expect that person to be able to think clearly.. one simple, but highly effective way is to list all the things we consider we did wrong.

everrrrrrrything we did. everrrrrrything we said. everrrrrrything we thought. 

we do this until we feel we have emptied our mind of all the considerations related to the guilt. The trick here is to note those things which we might not think, at first glance to be wrong. but these are things we did or said that led to the problem, and to feeling guilty. one time i even added "feeling guilty" to my list.. it is definitely a good candidate! having made a full list and now we feel much better, we review the list and note what we need to do in future to avoid the problem.  i find myself doing this most often when i am feeling upset or have a lot of anger inside... my first coping strategy is to write. i put my pen to the paper and let it bleeeeeed.

you may laugh at this but guilt brought me to the realization that I was a sinner... go ahead like i said.. laugh, like its such a shocker. LOL  I realized I could not do anything about that on my own because we are all sinners. I would clear my mind by saying I was sorry or asking for forgiveness of those I offended, but that did not quiet the guilty feelings. But then I was told that I could bring my emotional feelings into balance by trusting in someone else. When we trust someone else, its typically because we think we need that person in our lives. So we create that bond that will maybe bend, but never break.

...or so we tend to think.

.. is anybody out there?

I made a pretty big mistake today and though I am not going to go into detail about it I will just say that I aggravated what could possibly be the most important people in my life. This was done simply because I didn't look into the future consequences of my actions and do what I needed to do to have the best result. We have all done this before and with a mistake the size of the one I made today often times we quit. It would be very comfortable for me to just sink back into a sense of safety and obscurity, but that wouldn't make us any better would it?

So what is the plan when we run into a wall as hard as possible to realize we couldn't move it? We clean up our wounds we created first and foremost but then? The answer should be we don't run into it again, and if it is a wall that has to be moved we use the tools we know can accomplish the job to get it done.

Rihanna got a new tattoo that says "no failures in life, only lessons". 

What wise words to instill especially at this time in our present life when more and more people are looking at life from a negative light. We all have lessons we need to learn and incorporate in our daily lives, and the larger the lesson the bigger the game we are playing.

There are times when I feel incredibly alone. Like there is not a soul on this earth that could possibly understand the thoughts in my head. Like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and there isn’t a single person that can hear me. Like I am drowning in frigid, unmerciful waters without any hope of someone throwing me a life saver. And although all of this is a good reason for me to hole up in my apartment and wish for death, it is essentially what makes me alive. What makes me human. We all have our battles and the lifestyles we choose determine just how great our personal war with the world will be. Some people are satisfied with their role as the innocent civilian, while others want nothing but the front lines and an AK-47.

Can you guess where I would be? Def on the front lines, runnin up on lawns with guns drawn. I also wouldn’t mind going to battle with some of the most daring people the world ever saw. The real fighters. The ones who defied society and basically gave the finger to every social rule there ever was.

I just think it's funny how people never improve unless they look to some standard or example higher or better than themselves. i personally think the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.