you can't trust any one, can you?

Trusting people can be one of the biggest mistakes of your life. 

You are hated if you're rich, you're hated if you're poor, you are hated if you have big boobs, or if you're as flat as a board. no matter what you are or have, there will always be one person that will truly try to show you down as they always wish to see themselves in your position.

Let's all admit - listening to juicy gossip is always somewhat exhilarating but always keep in mind that you just have to JUST listen, no speaking in front of such people, because sooner rather than later it will eventually be you that will be the center of their gossip.

People just seem to thrive off of belittling others. this is their ultimate drive as they get very irritated by seeing others progressing in their lives. All these people do not like to make good relationships with the people of higher ranks or their colleagues, so they try to befriend people who they consider "less" than themselves. for instance you always see a pair of friends-- one is obviously considered the pretty one, and she becomes best friends with an ugly duckling. when in reality, that pretty girl has an uglier inside than any other female you've ever met, which in return makes that pretty girl super ugly to the intelligent eye.. but that is just the thing-- how many people really have anything more than common sense?

Imagine what our world would be like if everyone loved themselves so much that they weren’t threatened by other people’s opinions or skin colors or sexual preferences or talents or education or possessions or lack of possessions or religious beliefs or customs or their general tendency to just be whoever the hell they are..

All these people who envy others always try to prove themselves the best amid everyone. They compliment themselves, post dozens of pictures of their face in 20 different angles (ugh, soo annoying) and then post things like "i'm sooo insecure" or "this is such an ugly picture of me" which really makes them sound like fools. We all need that attention, I get it, we are women. But let's not be so dramatic, shall we?

Sometimes it was a female so close to me, it hurt to cope with knowing the fact that she was doing those things I said above. So I'd indiscreetly distant myself from them.. by  skipping their requests to get together, not called them/answered their phone calls or texts, made up excuses as to not hang out with them, etc. because some of the shit they do is just not acceptable. i know this may be considered fake or whatever on my part, but it's really just me not having the ignorance and mean bone in my body to tell them to their face how messed up they are for doing what they are doing to me behind my back. Like I said, this female was close to me. I couldn't understand why she would say such mean things about me and all the other stuff she did. I was at a lost as to what to do really.

I finally came to understand that all the people are different and have different natures. If i make any effort to change them, then i am wasting my time... well my time is done being wasted. i'm done worrying about society, and trying to get into people's minds to 'heal them' if you will. psychology is amazing, and just a little bit of studying can truly open your eyes to the ways people operate and why. and a looooooooot of it revolves around jealousy.

Jealousy is a powerful emotion. it can be the reason you cheat, the reason you tease, and even the reason some kill. so the next time you feel the urge to ridicule Justin Bieber, homosexuals, your friends or anyone else, just think about what your motive is, and the consequences. the world is not perfect and never will it be, but if you fight for the cause--- regardless, one more person will be able to live their life to their potential.

Holding on to my bad feelings about this is doing nothing but harming me, and everyone else, and preventing me from enjoying my life fully. I am an awesome person. I choose to enjoy my life. I choose to let this go and to me, that almost seems worth it considering the meanies probably never will.

making choices

choices.

most people today do not realize just how important making choices in life is. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you make a decision. maybe you won't know for twenty years, or maybe you find out in a few seconds.. && sometimes you'll never ever be able to trace it to its source when other times it'll be right in front of your face. in most cases, you only get one chance to play it out. because after all, your fate is what you create. i know i know, that is debatable.


Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved... so many people waste their lives in regret and i just think it's such a waste of life, a waste of valuable time others would give a million dollars for..

i know i talk about life being wasted, while i turn around and do it. but it's like i want to achieve perfection and try to avoid bad things, but there’s a devil in everyone.. we can't all be the way we want to be. we can't be [the person we preach to be entirely... and most of all, i can't please anyone, nor do i try anymore.


i became this way because of trust.

yep. trust- the word is just plain half ignorance applied to the concept that nobody can use it correctly, and in fact often abused. i can't do anything when my back is turned, i am blind. i am afraid of myself and every human being that has the power in their hands to deceive me.

&& what many don't know is it corrupts my mind, and way of thinking. that's where i start to dig, i dig myself a hole, a hole that i don't plan on ever getting out of.. what is this hole ?

this hole is wisdom. 

For everyone that lies or turns their back on me, I become wise and more observant. you make me stronger. yep. put that in your pipe and smoke it ;)

all jokes aside, let's face it-- i don’t get the option of picking or choosing when ill excite you, bore you or piss you off.

i’m a chick to wrapped up in her own business to notice your jealousy most of the time, and when i do, i become so consumed in what's wrong with you that i don't even know what to start to say to you. i can't help that i got that attitude where if I don’t mean shit to you, then you don’t mean shit to me, its not being bitchy -- its being wise, don't get it twisted.

lesson to learn: pretty faces can be monsters in masks. i can either be the cancer or the light of your life.

you decide <3

Sex Toy Party

 hello  my lovely readers!!

Have you ever been to a sex toy party? Yes, you read that right. How many of you just blushed and made sure no one else was looking at your screen? ;) I know, I know.... Often times, when people hear this, they think one word… orgy!! As much as I would love to say I participated in an all-female-sex-a-thon, I did not. We sat around in a circle and watched the hostess demonstrate all of the products. There were pheromone enhanced bath bubbles, vanilla flavored lube, edible body shimmer, and just about every kind of vibrator known to (wo)man. Ever heard of the “Silky Stud”? How about the “Aquasaki”? Not only did I get my hands on all these things, but I also got a crash course in erotic massage and some wild sex positions. Oh, and I can’t forget to mention I won a prize for drawing the best looking penis with my eyes closed. Now there is something I can put on a resume someday. ;)

Basically sex toy parties are just silly fun for girls who are a little more on the adventurous side, which happens to be the only side I have. When the hostess brought The Rabbit out, I couldn’t help but grin. Next came The Mini Tongue, another stress reliever of mine... haha just keeeding. "Who needs a guy when you can just fire up the Hitachi Magic Wand?" said the party hostess. Of course nothing compares to real sex… real GOOD sex. The party hostess asked me if I had a vibrator or ever used one, unfortunately no i have not. I said "why have one, and waste money on one when i have my boyfriend right by my side ready to go?"

And her answer was amazing.

"Because there are about a million things that can go wrong when having sex with someone, I think it is important to have a “sure thing” sitting around just in case. "

Brilliant answer, right? It definitely got a few girls to bite the bait and buy one, but i did not. I only ended up spending about $75.00 at the sex toy party and not a single thing I bought required batteries or penetration... LOL. Instead, I opted for products I thought were very unique. 

Nipple Nibblers by Surprise Parties

Smoothie Massage Cream by Surprise Parties

Pure Instinct Pheromone Cologne by Surprise Parties

Both lotions taste like candy and make my skin extremely soft. I tested out the pheromone cologne when i went to the bar the other day with my girl friend.. and I didn’t notice too much of a difference considering there are men all over us when we go out as it is.. lol I put spots of it on my chest, wrists, and neck and although it made me smell lovely, it didn’t seem to have an effect on any man. That’s OK though. I still love the scent and I am going to use it all the time.

I understand a lot of this stuff is just a total gimmick and there is some asshole out there making alot of money on the fact that women will buy anything to enhance certain aspects of their life. This is also OK.

Why? Because everything about life is a gimmick.

People tell you they are genuine and trustworthy but they just end up being a faded spot of perfume on your skin with a promise to do so much more than smell good. In saying this, I will take the chance with the sex appeal enhancement simply because I have nothing to lose. 

I will also take the chance in saying I am not the only girl out there that will admit she loves sex.

Pleasure should never be shameful ;-)

i can't be tamed. xx

hey all,
sometimes I go out of town for an extended period of time.. i do because being in the same place for too long really makes me lose touch with myself.  it feels good to break free from the normal routine, and do something nice for some one else while also putting a smile on my face. So my boyfriend and I attended a wedding of a good friend of mine.  she asked me to be a bridesmaid in the wedding so I was thrilled to not only be a part of her special day but to get away from the stress in my town and go to her town to celebrate with her and her family. funny thing is, this particular friend is the exact opposite of me in every way so how we are so close I do not know.... all I do know is that I love her dearly and I want nothing but happiness for her. And by happiness, I mean hot, wild wedding night sex.

So, with that being said I went on the Fredericks of Hollywood website and bought her a little something that looked like this…

Fredericks of Hollywood Erika Hanky Hem Babydoll $22.00

I had to keep in mind that her style is very different from my style. she has a curvy figure and is very modest, so I thought something looser with a halter tie would really flatter her and make her feel sexy. the other bridesmaids were planning on getting her lingerie as well so I was really excited to see what everyone would come up with---- fast forward to the night before the wedding. the maid of honor got her a couple of regular bras, five pairs of multi-colored normal panties, and a floor length silk nightgown with matching robe. The other bridesmaid got her a matching tank top and boy short set along with another silky floor length night gown. && then there was me, the degenerate bridesmaid. as soon as she pulled my gift out of the bag, she looked shocked and definitely blushed while all the other girls started laughing and rooting her on. of course she broke out into smiles eventually, but I couldn’t help but feel totally awkward. are the other girls totally old fashioned or have I completely lost touch with what normal society considers sexy??? i mean in my personal opinion, the gift I got her was incredibly tame.


                                  Leather Bra and G-String by Snaz75.com $37.99

So it became obvious I was the wild one without even trying to be. that works. in all actuality, I have been labeled much worse things...

To top it all off, i crashed at one of the bridesmaid’s houses after the ceremony and they decided to put us in Stacy’s bed room. Stacy was her younger sister and just happened to be stunning in a way I rarely see. Her Spanish heritage gave her a beautiful olive complexion and she had big, full lips that would put Angelina Jolie to shame. def gonna be a beauty when she's older.

As soon as I walked into Stacy’s room, however, my attitude completely changed.

Bibles. Crucifixes. Fluffy stuffed animals. Pink. seroiusly the abrupt thought of my entire body bursting into flames sent a chill down my spine and all throughout my body. whaaaaat the hell was all this? as we laid in her bed, surrounded by innocence and purity, my boyfriend and i began talking. i just wondered what led me astray. Growing up, I always went to church every Sunday and even took religious education classes. how come I didn’t turn out like Stacy? how come I feel the need to do what I do? to be such a sinner... i have the good intentions there, it's jst when i go to actually do it i just.. i dont know.. am lead in a different direction.

I guess the answer is because i never fully believed in the first place. if my memory serves me right, when you receive your first communion and you get confirmed, you take an oath of some sort that says you believe in God and everything He represents. I said exactly what everyone wanted me to say, yet deep down I wasn’t buying it. i wanted to believe there was a higher power, but i really wanted to see something to prove it. i know that won't ever happen so  i guess if i just accept jesus christ as my lord and savior, what hurt will it do when the time come. Believe it or not, we slept very well in that sweet, loving bedroom but we were happy to get out of there the next day...

Needless to say, it’s good to be home.

dealing with resentful bitches.

i've dealt with the most turmoil last year. i don't know how the people i've considered my heart can be so judgmental, deceitful, and most of all resentful. i wanted to dig into resentment because i think it can come from all different types of people you associate yourself with -- not just family but coworkers, friends, or even neighbors.. even people you only considered acquaintances. however first, i think in order to learn how to deal with all of this, one must truly have a good understanding of what resentment is, its causes and the thoughts that linger in the resentful person’s mind.

i think resentful people have this constant belief that someone or something has harmed his or her well being on intention, and therefore has to be a spiteful bitch in return in order to feel even and/or happy. Personally, i think resentful bitches are usually an indication of weakness as the resentful person is someone who has failed to defend herself or has failed to stop others from harming her and therefore have no better way than becoming resentful towards them... assuming this is the way to go.

in order for these people not to hurt their egos, to admit failure or to carry responsibility lots of people decide to become resentful in order to throw the blame of all the bad things that happened to them on someone else. Because , ya know, after all is said and done, its hurts wayy less to say "life is unfair or evil" than to say I should have worked harder or i am a lazy fat slob.

oh and, keep in mind i am talking about resentful haters who you have NOT hurt intentionally but they think you have.. if you are dealing with a resentful person who you have intentionally screwed, then you can deal with that your own way on your own, sorry but karma is a bitch.

but i think that in many cases a person can incorrectly perceive some facts and become resentful without even making sure of the information he or she has in the least bit factual.

when it comes to preventing resentment, your role should really be on making sure that you don’t let the other people get you wrong, after all good communication skills is about not being misunderstood as much as you can even if you are doing nothing wrong.

but in my case, a lot of the resentment stems from jealousy. i truly believe underlying resentment can be feelings of jealousy from one person to another. for instance, having a girl believe that your success has proved them to be failures (how can someone's success bring pain?) or how she believes you may be in possession of things like a job that you don't deserve or that she should have..

communication is the number one way to combat these type of females.

you have to be able to give an explanation of your actions as much as you can if your actions will affect them directly.. whether you realize it initially or not. the way i prevent resentment is all about being clear so that you don’t get misunderstood. when the resentment comes to a point that i am not sure why or have not done anything intentionally, that's when you really have to sit that person down and just c.o.m.m.u.n.i.c.a.t.e !!!!!!!

mid-year reflection

I often take a few minutes out of my hectic days every several months throughout the year to reflect on my progress at completing my new years resolutions, and life goals in general. i think this helps me keep my mind on track on what it should be on track of, and not let myself stray too far away on life's distractions.

The last year has been so full of ups and downs, hills and valleys. Some of the happiest moments of my life, and the very worst. Oprah Winfrey made a good point today, when someone asked her how she was, she talked about how all we know and can cling to is faith. faith.. now that is a word that feels good to say :)

this new year, a few of my main goals were to get into a more stable job, work on maintaining an excellent relationship with my loved ones, expand my modeling portfolio, and let my creativity run wild.

Stable Job: I moved to the west coast & found an amazing job as an Administrative Assistant. I loved it in Arizona. Beautiful views, weather, people, etc. However it was very slow-paced. I am from Chicago, so I need that fast paced atmosphere. I love music, and need to feel it in my soul at least once a week! I moved back home because I was missing my family terribly. I am now living in the house my fiance's grandma left him when she passed away last year, and trying to take it day by day. Thankfully, I was able to get my old job back as the Sales Assistant!

Relationships: anyone who knows my ex and i know we argue quite a bit. it's almost as if we must do in order to have a normal day. no one else in this world can bring out the absolute worse in me but the very next minute he brings out the best as well. i am still trying to figure us out, but so far this road has been intense but every bit exhilarating. 

As far as expanding my creativity, I wanted to branch off of things my mother in law was doing. Her and I have endless supplies to pretty much do anything I want. I started a few scrapbooks. I am making one just of my life, which kind of turned into mine and my fiance's life LOL and another one of the people in my life, my homes, views, states ive lived in, friends, family, etc etc. Not only that but I also am making holiday cards, which are pretty detailed. i'll upload some pics soon to show you guys a peek. I got the idea from my mommy in law who does such an incredible job on them... and she does it for fun! She eventually began to make lots and sell them, but it started off just for her own fun. Isn't that ironic how the greatest ideas start off not as something serious in the first place? haha

Enough of that, now onto a bit more serious note mentally.. onto something else that has been weighing on my mind..

So there have been a few times that i have started to write, but realized that some of my thoughts were too raw, and didn't want to be too mysterious, making people wonder if it's them i'm talking about, etc. so i did some processing myself .. && i've realized a few things.

1:: i'm in the process of mourning a friendship that will never be the same again. it's hard knowing that you have reached the point where you were the closest, and that that will probably never happen again. it's hard to just fall off each others radars and not feel like a big chunk of you is missing. i don't know how to explain it, but it's been weighing on my heart the last few weeks. it's not like it was an argument that could have been prevented either... i always knew this particular thing about her would have came between us, i just always tried to ignore it but there just comes a time in life where you have to not associate yourself with things of that nature, and i came to it.

2:: i've also realized is that i desperately want to really talk to people I haven't in a while. I want to ask them how they are. I want this in return. I think that if you don't have people asking about you and the state of your heart then it is easy to let that get pushed to the back burner and allows you to not take care of your heart or address it in the state that it is in.

3:: i've realized (i mean, i always knew this but..) i am an excessive talker, it doesn't take a lot of questions to get me rolling, which i guess ties into the previous point. i always find myself, especially on facebook, writing things so vividly and in graphic detail so the other person can visualize what it is i am trying to say. not only that, but i also like to express all of my emotions in my writing, so i always include smiley emoticons, etc and i use repetition of letters to express an emphasis like haaaaaaaaaappy birthday! haha sometimes i walk away from conversations being like "wow, i just dumped that on that person, and they don't even want to know about it", but if they had asked it would've felt like more of a conversation... lol Make sense?

4: lastly, there are only a handful people in my life now that i would consider my close friends that i genuinely care for about enjoy being around. I love this. It would be very easy to dwell on the fact that that number used to be bigger, but that i want to CHOOSE to dwell on how fortunate i am to have even the people that i do have with me to this day. i need to choose to be thankful for those that are there, because dwelling on anything else doesn't help at all.

so dear friends, know that i am thankful for you, probably more than you know.

So as you can see my mid-year reflections are quite excessive, and I tend to blabber on and on and on. So if you're still reading, high five to you girlfren!!! (yes, i am assuming that not a single male read this, i know i am right lol.)