Thursday, February 02, 2017



think back to a past love that didn't end so well. We all have that one don't we? do you remember your emotions throughout that relationship ?? remember that love? that love that made you so vulnerable; that love that opened your chest and your heart just so someone can get inside you and mess you up; so you then build up all these defenses. You build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you.

Or so you think.

But then that one person wanders into your life and you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it, and you'd never offer it but they sort of just magnetized themselves to you. they did something to you one day and that just let you know your life will never be the same.

this was jeff and I. it was so weird, and we both tried to deny it but both couldn't. love wasn't always fuzzy bunnies and smiles. love was the enemy sometimes. it takes hostages. it gets inside you, and it eats you and leaves you crying in the darkness. so a simple phrase like "i don't need this.." turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart, just tearing at your heart valves. not just in the mind.. but in the soul. it's a "real gets inside you and rips you apart" pain that they have yet found an anecdote to.

some times i can honestly say i hate love... but i can't stop myself from denying my love for him. what will it take to get it through my head that this can really end up badly?  i guess i can say i am addicted to the pain. addicted to the excitement. addicted to the unknown. addicted to not knowing what the fuck, when the fuck where the fuck or how the fuck things will end up.. and i guess that and that alone is what keeps me hooked.

It's times like these that make me wonder if love is real. is there really an emotion that can last forever, through the ups and downs of a relationship, through thick and thin? or is "love" something we just make up in our heads to satisfy our emotion we feel at the time? Or maybe we use the word "love" as a safety blanket. love is for sure a frightening journey but it is also a wondrous one too and it is important to note that you get out of something what you put into it. so when love comes around, you should def not think of it as so scary, but more enticing, and definitely worth your while.

just as life, love isn't fair either. after a month or so of getting serious with Jeff, I realized how selfish I was being towards him. He isnt the one who hurt me, who destroyed my entire being yet I was keeping him at arm's length as if he was. Just waiting for me to tell myself "i told you so" He was so patient and so kind, and so understanding. The countless kind gestures made it all clear to me I really can make something work with him.

i am now willing to do anything in the world for him as long as it's good for his well being. im always there by his side, helping him through everything.

You may ask if it is really worth it? Worth possibly losing your individuality for this person? Worth losing the freedom of doing what you want when you want? No one will ever know what you have for another person. It's hard to understand but all I can recommend if you TRUST YOUR GUT FEELINGS. Something is telling you this for a reason.


1 comment:

  1. AnonymousMay 10, 2012

    omg...this post is one of the most best posts i have ever seen that made my heart race. i totally know what u mean girl. u n casper are perfect for eachother, i just kno it cuz of the way you guys look at eachother. i see the love pouring out of your guyses eyes but like u said it cant alwas be that way. i hope theres nothing going on bt if so, u kno the number. we can talk wenever babygurl. im not gonna put my name cuz, well u kno why lol but u know who this is mwah!!!xoxoxox


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