think back to a past love that didn't end so well. We all have that one don't we? do you remember your emotions throughout that relationship ?? remember that love? that love that made you so vulnerable; that love that opened your chest and your heart just so someone can get inside you and mess you up; so you then build up all these defenses. You build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Or so you think.
But then that one person wanders into your life and you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it, and youd never offer it but they sort of just magnetized yourself to them.. inside them. they did something to you one day and that just changed your life for good.
well it has happened to me when i first met my boyfriend. it was love at first sight, literally. But love wasn't always fuzzy bunnies and smiles. love was the enemy sometimes. it takes hostages. it gets inside you, and it eats you and leaves you crying in the darkness. so a simple phrase like "i don't need this.." turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart, just tearing at your heat valves. not just in the mind.. but in the soul. it's a "real gets inside you and rips you apart" pain that they have yet found an anecdote to.
some times i can honestly say i hate love... but i can't stop myself from denying my love for him. what will it take to get it through my head that this is just going to end really bad? i guess i can say i am addicted to the pain. addicted to the excitement. addicted to the unknown. addicted to not knowing what the fuck, when the fuck where the fuck or how the fuck things will end up.. and i guess that and that alone is what keeps me hunting for more..
It's times like these that make me wonder if love is real. is there really an emotion that can last forever, through the ups and downs of a relationship, through thick and thin? or is "love" something we just make up in our heads to satisfy our emotion we feel at the time? Or maybe we use the word "love" as a safety blanket. love is for sure a frightening journey but it is also a wondrous one
too and it is important to note that you get out of something what you
put into it. so when love comes around, you should def not think of it as so scary, but more enticing, and
definitely worth your while. love is permissible. if you allow it, you can let yourself be overcome by feelings of care, affections, intimacy, and warmth. these feelings wont destroy you either... they're good, positive feelings. & if you let them show, it is ohhh so much easier for your partner to feel that it is OK about letting their mutual affection show back.
just as life, love isn't fair either. when i fell in love with my babe, i immediately let my guard down. ready for whatever love wanted to throw at me. only time nothing was. in fact, i was the one who did the throwing. i threw my trust at him. not too much trust but just enough to let them in.. to see what direction he would take to hurt me.
i am then willing to do anything in the world for him as long as it's good for his well being. im always there by his side, helping him through everything even if it doesn't benefit him in any way. That is why I chose to leave. This relationship is not worth the hurt we put each other through.
You may ask if it is really worth it? Worth possibly losing your individuality for this person? Worth losing the freedom of doing what you want when you want? No one will ever know what you have for another person. It's hard to understand but all I can recommend if you TRUST YOUR GUT FEELINGS. Something is telling you this for a reason. LISTEN TO IT!