Friday, September 12, 2014

#Venting

don't mind me.

I just don't see how people don't get that everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create.

Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved.

i want to achieve perfection and try to avoid bad things; but there’s a devil in everyone. i can't please anyone, nor do i try anymore. I worry more for what others do; more than i do for myself. It upsets me that "trust" does not exist; the word was merely created and wanted fantasy. i believe the what ever sick mind gave birth to that word said "fuck reality, every one lies", i can't blame the person; trust- the word is just plain half ignorance applied to the concept that nobody can use it correctly; often abused. i can't do anything when my back is turned, that's why people prey when it is turned. i am afraid of myself and every human being that has the power in their hands to deceive me, and what many don't know is it corrupts my mind, and way of thinking, that's where i start to dig, i dig myself a hole, a hole that i don't plan on ever getting out of. There is where i will make tunnels that will lead me away from the misleading society.

But seriously, I don’t get the option of picking or choosing when ill excite you, bore you or piss you off. I’m a chick too wrapped up in her own business to notice your existence, I got that attitude where if I don’t mean shit to you, then you don’t mean shit to me, its not being bitchy -- its being wise, don't get it twisted.

Let's face it, people spend to much wasted time. These times come with trying to portray good relationships, to me-- the relationships worth fighting for involve those i care most about.

Reason being is I have just been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just because no one wants to hear about my misery. I get it; they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. I am not offended, because I understand. No one wants to hear "woe is me" or "i am the wounded spouse/child." Do you really want their pity? It is even funnier when they go this route, then go back with the dude. Jokes on you, you IDIOT!

Lesson to learn: Pretty faces can be monsters in masks. I can either be the cancer or the light of your life.

you decide <3

xox fee

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