i observe what is around me at all times, because i think it's important to be weary and expect the worse while hoping for the best;; & i try to interpret the deeper meaning behind what I see. popular society tells us that most of us are fuck ups. losers, good-for-nothing sluts.. & because following what every one else thinks is the safe thing to do, many people blindly support this fact and immediately assume there is no deeper meaning to a girl who hasn't been able to hold a job lately. this is very wrong in many more ways than one.. but rather than getting into those reasons i have formulated something a bit more easier to interpret.
Fellow "fuck ups, losers, and sluts", get ready for a Felicia theory that would probably make a licensed psychologist roll his/her eyes.. as I have seen one and that's the exact expression i received.
the most inner layer of a person involves the morals, or the system of ethics which is unique to each person. Some girls can’t even get naked in front of their own boyfriend much less an entire crowd of strangers. I am thankful to be capable of both... sort of. not in the way you think.. there's been times when i've had to do photo shoots that made me wear little to nothing and i have no problem doing so in front of the entire group of people on the set. It's just the fact that I choose not to do the second, the main reason is that nobody besides my fiance has ever seen me completely naked, & i consider that sacred-- a sort of bond between my fiance and myself because he feels special in the sense of being the only man and i feel good about myself to make him feel this way.
The next layer is the self esteem, which has to be strong in order to endure the pain inflicted by the outside world. it is hard, like an egg, but can be cracked if the correct pressure is applied. this is the reason people make bad decisions… their morals leak and they become hollow inside. they just stop caring...
On top of self esteem, there is the layer in which love, hate, and all of the emotions thrive. This is a very active area of someone’s mind, with many ups and downs and twists and turns. It is very honest, but gets filtered through the fourth layer......which is our invisible screen. This layer weeds out what is worth the trouble and what isn’t. The meaningless, stupid aspects of life are too big to slip through, like waiting longer than normal at a red light or overpaying at a restaurant. Sure they get your attention when they bounce off your defenses, but it’s nothing compared to the real issues in life. Getting married. A DWI. Receiving a thoughtful gift. These things slip right through the barrier and begin reeking havoc on your emotions to the point where they are purged in the form of tears, laughter, complete bullshit, etc.. Is there anyone out there who is truly honest with him or herself? Probably not. I make an attempt to be as true as possible, but I often find myself full of doubt. This doubt is something I never display on my most outer level, or how I present myself to the world. This is also true for the most beautiful girls. They get so caught up with being hot that the slightest rejection from any person blows their screen into a thousand pieces. This leads to feelings of vulnerability that are very dangerous to the psyche.
To combat this, I picture the words of every person stuck in a big blob of green jello.
Compliments. Insults. Negativity. All of it is incapable of influencing my bottom layers and that is how I have survived this world for so long. I do not let it consume me. Of course I also push away most people who attempt to get close to me, but that is not entirely because of this green jello thing. People have seriously disappointed me in the past and I have trouble with forgiveness. Anger has been overwhelming my emotions lately and it’s about time I got rid of it. Crying doesn’t work. Neither does punching stuff or venting to a friend. I am able to weaken the emotion, however, by writing. When I am putting words together, nothing about the world is ugly. In fact, it is truly breathtaking.
I guess this is my way of saying I will never, ever stop writing. I can write about whatever I want whenever I want and the more people I piss off, the stronger I become.
Bring it on.