so i've been kind of in this cloud, that more often than not decides to release a big bucket of fuck you rain droplets on my head from time to time, for about the past 2 months. granted i was going through a shitload of life changes, so of course i am bound to be stressed as haillll.
but it wasn't until recently that i figured out i am more motivated than EVER to start changing up my life now that i am finally PHYSICALLY where i want to be. after the news this weekend I realize with michele that life is too fucking short and fragile to not be happy, do what you love and spend it the way you want to.
SO. now instead of taking the slow and steady approach to change i normally do, i'm in the mood to that fast quickness chicago path. (youuu knowwww.) which, or me, means facing and tearing down the roadblocks i put up for myself when facing big, life altering choices over the past few years.. eek! So to get myself to where I want to be, I’m going to have to get past a few key issues..listed below are the ones i think are going to be my main ones:
exhibit a :: aversion to risk. yup, i know. MEEE afraid of RISK? sure when it comes to rollercoasters that are faster than the speed of light and throw you up and down and every which way possible, i am going to be alll up over and inside that (that's what she said.) But when it comes down to my own i am not a risk-tolerant person. i am always ten steps ahead because it makes me feel safe. i follow the rules because it is stable. i feel like i can’t take risks because i’ve got to pay bills, have insurance, need a guaranteed job, etc. And yet. And yet, and yet and yet. Sometimes, when you’re confronting life that is unhappy (but safe) or happy (but risky)–well, risk is starting to sound much more appealing. I can always find a way to pay my bills. but i'm starting to realize..i can’t always let my happiness and fulfillment fall at the feet of what’s safe. a fear of not being good enough. my social status was kind of weird-- i was popular enough to where everyone knew who i was, but smart enough to not get close to anyone too much & had one boyfriend straight thru high school which saved me from soooo much drama--anyway, i’ve never been the bottom of the heap, but I’m rarely at the top either. i woulod consider myself super witty, funny, charming, outgoing, smart, and respectful... but for some reason i don't think that all of those qualities are enough for the kinds of things i dream up. i mean, coupled with my risk aversion, my fear of not being good enough at the things I want to do has held me at bay for a long time. why? cus it has just always been easier to stay where I am, where i know i'm OK, than it is to put myself out there and be faced with the reality that i don’t have what it takes. but honestly, I’m strong enough to face rejection. ive got enough support to face the struggle. i would rather TRY and not be enough than not try.
exhibit b :: obsessive compulsive person. i absolutely need to have EVERY.LITTLE.DETAIL. in place before I can so much as begin. Maybe it’s my years of marketing plans that require every little piece to be in place before you launch. Maybe it’s the obsessive, detail person in me coming out. Or maybe it’s just a stall tactic. But I always feel like I have to have every little tiny thing worked out before I can begin. I have to have it perfect before I can let it go into the world. Which has its place, admittedly. I’m never going to get rid of that impulse entirely. But at the same time, there are instances where just jumping in and figuring it out along the way can be a better solution. Like when you’re aching for a change in your life. Maybe now is the time to just throw some of this out into the universe and figure out the little details as I go.
exhibit c :: the feeling that I have to be the grown-up. i love my boyfriend, i love that he is the water sprinkling on me as the flowers. he is what helps me bloom. BUT. i sometimes feel because of our situation that i will not disclose-- that i have to be on top of things. by that I mean I feel like I have to be the one to maintain the stability of a traditional job.. he has a good job but he works soo many hours each week that it interferes with time for eachother, he hates that and threatens to leave it almost every other week. but then that just feels like it puts more pressure on me to maintain my current one because it is in fact a very stable job.
i've actually been feeling this for quite a while now.. but this week is what really put me in a big giant spotlight. this is my one and only life. this is it. if i'm not happy, than how will i ever be ? if i want something diff for my life, i am the ONLY person who can make it happen. which means i need to get out of my own way, tear down those stupid roadblocks, and just jump in. here’s to a life that makes me happy and fulfilled and that’s worth looking forward to. Because only I can make it that way.
what about yall ?? what roadblocks are youuuu putting in the way of your happiness?