Monday, October 29, 2012

i know better but don't do better

I'm going through a lot right now, there are going to be a lot of changes in my lifestyle these next few months. i'm very excited about them, but kind of worried as well. This change can either ruin a person's life or better it. i know it's hard to get sucked in, but i refuse to become another statistic.


everything makes sense in my mind but for some reason, it doesn't make sense when i lay it all out in front of me. it makes things much more challenging.




I view ANY experience that I can learn and grow from, and possibly help someone else grow as a positive thing but I'm facing my own internal struggles, along with putting the weight of the world on my shoulders because I want to help everyone, be there for everyone and not for a second do I stop and think , what about me? I've become such a selfless person with my time, money and my heart that a part of me feels that it's to a fault.. it's becoming my downfall.


So I flip modes. But hell, I'm certainly no angel but my intentions these days for myself as well as others have been nothing but good.. i never meant to hurt anybody; but fuck we can't satisfy everyone.

I even have this new drive to want to do REALLY well in life, i've always settled for less. I didn't care about "making something of my life." I've seen too many instances where a person works really hard for a certain position, all for nothing but a huge downfall. I guess the reason why I didn't care about it was because of my own fear of failure.


But somehow it made a wrong turn and I'm terrified of failure even more, I never lived up to my potential up until now, and soon i will be blowing people's minds, but i know exactly what is going to happen. These -people- will begin to expect things and I feel like I have to exceed their expectations, you never know what it feels like to actually let someone down when you aren't doin shit in the first place, if that makes sense..

I'm soo hard on myself now because I can't go back to what I was. I'm having trouble even embracing my own ambitious side, probably because I just found it. I know that I need patience and faith, but I feel like I lack the time it takes to attain those things. I've become what i've always claimed to never be, a procrastinator. Now that I don't have the same resources I had, I'm fucked.

I know who I am, what I am, where I'm from and what I want, so why the hell is everything so hard? I know what I got to do, but financially it kills me.

Well pretty soon here, things are going to change. && I aint letting anyone know my goals now, they'll find out after i achieve them && i aint going to be the one to tell them. If they think I am going to share my happiness over my success, they are out their rabbit ass minds. They don't deserve to share those moments with me, why? Because they did nothing to help me achieve it. I asked for a little bump in the right direction, to help me get this and get that, && i didn't get SHIT. So i will absolutely not involve any of you, you know who you are, on any of my future events.

It's a lot harder when you have to go through things by yourself, but I appreciate the strong woman that I've become. I'm still growing, I'm still finding myself. I still have a lot to learn about this world.

It just bothers me when people say they understand, but haven't been through what I've been through. I've realized that if it doesn't affect another person they really don't care half as much as you do. This doesn't go for everything, but once I get close enough to someone and explain a certain problem I have, I feel like they think i'm some insane female with crazy problems. I don't blame them, why? Because they're ignorant. They are ignorant to my lifestyle, to my background, to what people in my situation have been through, and we learn to cope with our experiences. The people I am surrounded by lately are from a completely different world.. they don't know the least bit about real struggle. I wish I can explain this further, but it is just pointless. You only can truly understand if you share the same background, which about 98% of you on here more than likely don't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode from being so overwhelmed, good and bad. and I never talk about my feelings because I used to think that's what it meant to be strong, not crying and not showing that I'm vulnerable sometimes. I'm a very serious person and I think a lot but I use being funny to mask that.


I feel like I'm unappreciative of my blessings a lot, because I always want more, I always need more. Maybe because I'm reaching for instant gratification and I need to aim a little higher? I don't know how to express my gratitude, I don't know how to be a woman without being emotional, because that was always my impression of a woman. I have to find that balance/ that center if I can't find Waldo, or anything else lol.

I'm a fighter, it's in my blood and I barely sleep at night because my mind is constantly going.

God, help me...

"i gotta go i gotta get me"

Saturday, October 27, 2012

boobies month xx

breast cancer research and awareness month

I love the month of October. not only does it have my #1 baby girl's birthday in it, but it also has Halloween which is one of my favorite holidays, and it's Breast Cancer Awareness & Research Month!!




This is the month you will see PiNK every where!! You also get to see Boobies In public and not get looked at weird .... not like that ever stopped me ;)






Of course to commemorate this special month, I had to pink-tify a few things. Not only did I rock all the pink jewelry I had at work every day, including my pink ribbon earrings, my big pink rock ring pictured below, and my boobies wristband pictured above, but also wore elaborate pink eye shadow as well.

                                          
                                           I also took the liberty of bedazzling my entire phone.



And who can resist buying this adorably precious teddy bear in the Hallmark store ??



The pink ribbon -- nationally known symbol for breast cancer and awareness. they are widely used to demonstrate our support for women (and men) who have Breast Cancer, and were first handed out by the Susan G. Komen Foundation in 1991 at the Race for the Cure in New York City. Over the years, we have seen this pink ribbon displayed in all shapes and styles:

 

      breast_cancer_ribbon      breast-cancer-run-ribbon

breast cancer statistics and information

According to the National Cancer Institute, there are over 194,000 new cases and 40,000 deaths per year in the U.S. In addition, there are currently over 2.5 million women alive who have had a history of breast cancer. Here are a couple other quick facts:

-- 12% of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer some time in their life
-- 60% of breast cancer cases are diagnosed while the cancer is still confined to the primary site
-- From 2002-2006, the median age at diagnosis for cancer of the breast was 61 years of age
-- The overall 5-year relative survival rate is about 90%
breast-cancer-ribbon-3


breast cancer video: show your support

There are many things you can do to get involved and show your support such as donating money, wearing a pink ribbon or volunteering your time at a local fundraising event. 

 Check out this video of The Johns Hopkins Hospital and how they are showing their support:

 

Other Breast Cancer Resources:


Watch a video “Mammograms Matter.”
Inform yourself about breast cancer early detection.
Take time to sign up for a Mammogram Reminder.
Discover medicines that can help reduce breast cancer risk.
Understand what you need to know about cancer and women’s health.
Get answers by reading “What Causes Cancer?



Remember girls!


Friday, October 19, 2012

power struggle

So i was thinking.. maybe sometimes it's best to put up a shield as you head into the battlefield of love. Because then when we find ourselves defenseless as our hearts become exploited, we wonder where we went wrong?

I was thinking about the power in relationships.. who decides its fate? Who decides the direction? what constitutes who has the "power" in a relationship? Is one always held above the other?

a. the one who bases her every decision around what her man will think, the one who does not go somewhere because her man doesn't let her, the one who asks her man if what she is wearing is okay before walking out of the house, the one who will cater to her man not in a loving way like destiny's child meant, but in the puppy dog way where you are like a fucken servant behind him picking up after him and getting shit for him---well then, maybe it's time to find your voice. Search deep inside for your inner-strength and have the confidence to stand up for your beliefs and opinions. Get some fucken self -respect because while you may claim you have it, you don't. This relationship involves you, which means you are equally as important as your partner. If you truly believe you "aren't good enough" for him - leave.. that kind of attitude isn't doing either of you any good.

b. if you find yourself "dominating" all relationships you become involved in, that isn't good either. Relationships are about two people working as a team in a single unit. Both individuals need to be actively involved in decision making. Too often we become consumed in a relationship where we "become one". it took me a long time but i realized that dating is not about finding your other half. dating is more about really discovering yourself and accepting that you are already whole. your man's purpose is to compliment you, not complete you. I think without that equality of power in a relationship, a couple cannot function successfully. Hearts will be broken and someone will get hurt... like 95% of relationships do.

Relationships like this are damaging, for someone will always end up hurt. Maybe you've been on both ends of the spectrum. I have.

Although with this curent relationship, I am having a hard time seeing where i stood.

xox rica