Monday, October 29, 2012

i know better but don't do better

I'm going through a lot right now, there are going to be a lot of changes in my lifestyle these next few months. i'm very excited about them, but kind of worried as well. This change can either ruin a person's life or better it. i know it's hard to get sucked in, but i refuse to become another statistic.

everything makes sense in my mind but for some reason, it doesn't make sense when i lay it all out in front of me. it makes things much more challenging.

I view ANY experience that I can learn and grow from, and possibly help someone else grow as a positive thing but I'm facing my own internal struggles, along with putting the weight of the world on my shoulders because I want to help everyone, be there for everyone and not for a second do I stop and think , what about me? I've become such a selfless person with my time, money and my heart that a part of me feels that it's to a fault.. it's becoming my downfall.

So I flip modes. But hell, I'm certainly no angel but my intentions these days for myself as well as others have been nothing but good.. i never meant to hurt anybody; but fuck we can't satisfy everyone.

I even have this new drive to want to do REALLY well in life, i've always settled for less. I didn't care about "making something of my life." I've seen too many instances where a person works really hard for a certain position, all for nothing but a huge downfall. I guess the reason why I didn't care about it was because of my own fear of failure.

But somehow it made a wrong turn and I'm terrified of failure even more, I never lived up to my potential up until now, and soon i will be blowing people's minds, but i know exactly what is going to happen. These -people- will begin to expect things and I feel like I have to exceed their expectations, you never know what it feels like to actually let someone down when you aren't doin shit in the first place, if that makes sense..

I'm soo hard on myself now because I can't go back to what I was. I'm having trouble even embracing my own ambitious side, probably because I just found it. I know that I need patience and faith, but I feel like I lack the time it takes to attain those things. I've become what i've always claimed to never be, a procrastinator. Now that I don't have the same resources I had, I'm fucked.

I know who I am, what I am, where I'm from and what I want, so why the hell is everything so hard? I know what I got to do, but financially it kills me.

Well pretty soon here, things are going to change. && I aint letting anyone know my goals now, they'll find out after i achieve them && i aint going to be the one to tell them. If they think I am going to share my happiness over my success, they are out their rabbit ass minds. They don't deserve to share those moments with me, why? Because they did nothing to help me achieve it. I asked for a little bump in the right direction, to help me get this and get that, && i didn't get SHIT. So i will absolutely not involve any of you, you know who you are, on any of my future events.

It's a lot harder when you have to go through things by yourself, but I appreciate the strong woman that I've become. I'm still growing, I'm still finding myself. I still have a lot to learn about this world.

It just bothers me when people say they understand, but haven't been through what I've been through. I've realized that if it doesn't affect another person they really don't care half as much as you do. This doesn't go for everything, but once I get close enough to someone and explain a certain problem I have, I feel like they think i'm some insane female with crazy problems. I don't blame them, why? Because they're ignorant. They are ignorant to my lifestyle, to my background, to what people in my situation have been through, and we learn to cope with our experiences. The people I am surrounded by lately are from a completely different world.. they don't know the least bit about real struggle. I wish I can explain this further, but it is just pointless. You only can truly understand if you share the same background, which about 98% of you on here more than likely don't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode from being so overwhelmed, good and bad. and I never talk about my feelings because I used to think that's what it meant to be strong, not crying and not showing that I'm vulnerable sometimes. I'm a very serious person and I think a lot but I use being funny to mask that.

I feel like I'm unappreciative of my blessings a lot, because I always want more, I always need more. Maybe because I'm reaching for instant gratification and I need to aim a little higher? I don't know how to express my gratitude, I don't know how to be a woman without being emotional, because that was always my impression of a woman. I have to find that balance/ that center if I can't find Waldo, or anything else lol.

I'm a fighter, it's in my blood and I barely sleep at night because my mind is constantly going.

God, help me...

"i gotta go i gotta get me"

Saturday, October 27, 2012

boobies month xx

breast cancer research and awareness month

I love the month of October. not only does it have my #1 baby girl's birthday in it, but it also has Halloween which is one of my favorite holidays, and it's Breast Cancer Awareness & Research Month!!

This is the month you will see PiNK every where!! You also get to see Boobies In public and not get looked at weird .... not like that ever stopped me ;)

Of course to commemorate this special month, I had to pink-tify a few things. Not only did I rock all the pink jewelry I had at work every day, including my pink ribbon earrings, my big pink rock ring pictured below, and my boobies wristband pictured above, but also wore elaborate pink eye shadow as well.

                                           I also took the liberty of bedazzling my entire phone.

And who can resist buying this adorably precious teddy bear in the Hallmark store ??

The pink ribbon -- nationally known symbol for breast cancer and awareness. they are widely used to demonstrate our support for women (and men) who have Breast Cancer, and were first handed out by the Susan G. Komen Foundation in 1991 at the Race for the Cure in New York City. Over the years, we have seen this pink ribbon displayed in all shapes and styles:


      breast_cancer_ribbon      breast-cancer-run-ribbon

breast cancer statistics and information

According to the National Cancer Institute, there are over 194,000 new cases and 40,000 deaths per year in the U.S. In addition, there are currently over 2.5 million women alive who have had a history of breast cancer. Here are a couple other quick facts:

-- 12% of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer some time in their life
-- 60% of breast cancer cases are diagnosed while the cancer is still confined to the primary site
-- From 2002-2006, the median age at diagnosis for cancer of the breast was 61 years of age
-- The overall 5-year relative survival rate is about 90%

breast cancer video: show your support

There are many things you can do to get involved and show your support such as donating money, wearing a pink ribbon or volunteering your time at a local fundraising event. 

 Check out this video of The Johns Hopkins Hospital and how they are showing their support:


Other Breast Cancer Resources:

Watch a video “Mammograms Matter.”
Inform yourself about breast cancer early detection.
Take time to sign up for a Mammogram Reminder.
Discover medicines that can help reduce breast cancer risk.
Understand what you need to know about cancer and women’s health.
Get answers by reading “What Causes Cancer?

Remember girls!

Friday, October 19, 2012

power struggle

So i was thinking.. maybe sometimes it's best to put up a shield as you head into the battlefield of love. Because then when we find ourselves defenseless as our hearts become exploited, we wonder where we went wrong?

I was thinking about the power in relationships.. who decides its fate? Who decides the direction? what constitutes who has the "power" in a relationship? Is one always held above the other?

a. the one who bases her every decision around what her man will think, the one who does not go somewhere because her man doesn't let her, the one who asks her man if what she is wearing is okay before walking out of the house, the one who will cater to her man not in a loving way like destiny's child meant, but in the puppy dog way where you are like a fucken servant behind him picking up after him and getting shit for him---well then, maybe it's time to find your voice. Search deep inside for your inner-strength and have the confidence to stand up for your beliefs and opinions. Get some fucken self -respect because while you may claim you have it, you don't. This relationship involves you, which means you are equally as important as your partner. If you truly believe you "aren't good enough" for him - leave.. that kind of attitude isn't doing either of you any good.

b. if you find yourself "dominating" all relationships you become involved in, that isn't good either. Relationships are about two people working as a team in a single unit. Both individuals need to be actively involved in decision making. Too often we become consumed in a relationship where we "become one". it took me a long time but i realized that dating is not about finding your other half. dating is more about really discovering yourself and accepting that you are already whole. your man's purpose is to compliment you, not complete you. I think without that equality of power in a relationship, a couple cannot function successfully. Hearts will be broken and someone will get hurt... like 95% of relationships do.

Relationships like this are damaging, for someone will always end up hurt. Maybe you've been on both ends of the spectrum. I have.

Although with this curent relationship, I am having a hard time seeing where i stood.

xox rica

Monday, October 08, 2012

living life to tha fullest < 3

this is a random update blog -- 

super long && completely off the wall topics that i feel i want to share. no substance to this post at all. i should also add i have about 14 draft blogs waiting to be posted. i have yet to perfect them, that is why. the next one will be my make up and hair blog Ive been wanting to post for months. i just keep finding new tutorials, etc that i want to add. i follow dozens of girls on YouTube who make tutorials, and am just obsessed with it. YouTube is one of my favorite sites. you can search for literally anything on there. i find myself learning how to do smokey eye, make ice cream, and get out of a DUI arrest all at the same time while bumping some Lil Wayne. ha ha ;D

this year i have learned a lot. i have grown the most this year, i think. i also think i say that every new year.. lol but this is good. you're supposed to grow each year, more than the previous. my most important lesson though would have to be that Ive most of all learned to let my heart guide me, hoping it leads me in the right direction. I've learned so much in my life, and grown so fast. i can't say i don't sometimes find my self in circles.. cus i sure am still am trying to find a meaning to why things happen sometimes but i cant redo the past && i wont regret my mistakes. i just learn from them and build myself up as a human being, as a respectable person, and most of all as a person i want my sister to look up to and see inspiration in.

<3:  lately i have been thinking so much about life and where i want to be in the next five years.. basically on all aspects of my life i want to improve on. i don't want to start a family until i am financially stable enough to do so. i know i would be well off either way it goes because i have an amazing family who would give everything they have to make sure the child has everything he or she needs and wants.. but i would really like to be able to take care of the child on my and my boyfriend's own salaries. i don't want to be asking for money for diapers every week, or living barely pay check to paycheck. i applaud all the mothers that are able to give the best for their babies that exact way, i admire their strength and ability to hold it together for their family, but it's really tough and upsetting to me to see and witness and i am therefore not going to put myself in that situation. i want to be able to have disposable income to do as i please. i also want to get into a more stable job. i have been blessed with some amazing jobs, and i truly enjoy my job now. but i just don't consider it as stable as i would like to, and in order for me to start my new life i need to be in a career choice that i feel comfortable enough to be in for years and years.

<3 <3: i also want to improve on my social life-- i want to get closer with my side of the family. this is slowly but surely starting to work, i want to gain new friends. i found a new way to do this, and i meet a lot of new girls weekly but I'm really picky on who i let in, its hard for me to get a long with girls who are not somewhat attractive and smart-- call me shallow for saying that but idgf-- lol i don't chill with poor hygiene people, and i absolutely cannot hold a convo with an idiot.

<3 <3 <3: as far as relationships are going, let's just say this: "fiqhtinq: thats what we do ;; u tell me when im being an arrogant asshole & i tell you when you are being a pain in the ass . which you are 99% of the time, im not afraid to hurt your feelings. its going to be really hard. were going to have to work at this everyday, but i want to do that because i want you. i want all of you, forever." this is my fiance &  i perfectly. for those of you who don't know, this quote is from the movie The Notebook. It is one of my favorites, and it reminds me of my life so much. my fiance and i are doing really well. he has changed so much to make me forgive him of almost all the hurt he has laid upon my heart in the past. he has never done me wrong, never cheated nor lied or done any thing to truly affect my well being.. im talking specifics here.. but any way, it was mainly just hurting my feelings with some of the things he said and did.. thank god i have never had to deal with heart break on cheating or anything like that.. id probably die.

<3 <3 <3 <3 :: I'm taking a personal interest class at the community college near me, it's a psychology course relating to criminology. i am obsessed with it. i got my textbook (which was $80 fucken dollars by the way) and was only supposed to read the first four chapters but i read about triple that!! I'm not yet ready to start on my degree because of personal reasons.. but i am working close to 50hrs per week if not more, and i just am so happy that i am at least doing something with myself. i couldn't imagine living without a job.. i need to make my own money. i love being independent. i love being able to wake up on my day off go to the mall and buy what ever it is i want. thankfully i am not the least bit high maintenance nor am i a shopaholic or go on shopping sprees, but i at least like i buy an outfit a week as a treat to myself for a week's job done at work.. it makes me feel good about myself.

My Gifts This Month:

gorgeous spacious cheetah print clutch. it actually has enough space to fit my cellphone, make up, mini wallet, and hair brush!! haha ;D next are my TRACY DI MARCO earrings!! Hay! they were only $13, and her regular prices are ten times that, so i got a steal!!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3: improving my self-esteem. i am starting to eat more healthier. i want to become a lot more toned. my ass is just so FAT. i want it to be rock hard ;)  i also love being social.. hence going out and being with my friends. they've been my rock and through times i never thought id see the sunshine again they were the ones to make me smile. i live my life the way I want to. i love routine & having a set plan. I like taking chances on things that i believe are important to me. If you never try. You never succeed.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3: i have focused so much on conforming myself to society's views that i have lost my self worth. i have discovered new music artists, and truly got into the lyrics. I've attended countless shows and festivals this summer. i am so happy i finally got to make it to all the fireworks festivals this year.. all the ones i wanted to go to at least. This weekend we have the Good Old Days festival that i am actually working at as a promotional model for this new pizza place. i also started hula-hooping! It's amazingly fun and a fantastic workout.. along with working on my flirty girl fitness that i am currently working on a blog explaining my opinions on it including the videos and its background on who founded it, etc. 

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3: not only that but I've started writing so much more. i have a journal that i write in daily, and a journal that i write really happy things and big events in and another one where i write in my anger and pain, and what i do to recover from those. both are very private, but i hope my future daughter gets to read them when she is of age to learn a bit more on life.

that brings my utterly random blog to a close. time to put these eyelids to rest and to snuggle with my boyfriend.. wish me luck ladies on continuing to live life to the fullest<33

xox rica


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