Sunday, July 15, 2012

inside im dying

i am hurting so bad. no one sees the pain behind the face because i hide it sooo well. i cry myself to sleep almost every other night. i just don't understand why some people have to be so judgmental and so cold-hearted. don't they see that this is when i need you the most? you're leaving me and i'm all alone. that's like kicking a girl when she's down. i don't get why you guys are doing this to me, and i don't like to talk about it or bring it up at any time because i am soo afraid of confrontation.

i try to hard to fit in, to be like you want me to be. i want to be loved so bad that i conform to society's norms, and it's just not me. i don't have a skin that i fit in, and whenever i think i do, i always end up feeling naked. naked in public. i feel like people see right through me. so this is when i put on a facade that blocks any one from being able to do so. my inner soul is so opaque that even i have lost sight of it.

as soon as i think things are going well, i always end up doing something to fuck up. when will this pattern end. when will i learn. when will i get it. when will i fucken understand that this is not who i am. when will i understand that this is always going to end the same.

i have no question marks at the ends of those statements because i am not asking any questions, im stating sentences that are on constant replay in my mind on the fucken daily. i don't get why i don't think things through any more. i don't get why i don't see the end result before it happens. i don't get why i surround myself with these people and get myself into these situations when i am always the first to stay aware of them.

i have lost sight of who i am, of who i am turning into, and who i am trying to not ever be.

what am i going to do ?? what is it going to take ?? god, i need you now.

xox rica

jerseylicious;; tracy dimarco < 33

Isn't she gorgeous ?? i think so. i absolutely love this girl. for those of you whom have been living under a rock the past couple of years, this is tracy dimarco, i like to spell it as traci cus it's cuter :)

she is on the Style network's #1 show called Jerseylicious. most people know tracy for her "tracy dimarco hair" and her "tracy dimarco nails" and her "tracy dimarco style". these three things have made her infamous in reality television. I recently got into the show when i caught it on my style network one weekend when it was in its second season.. i was instantly addicted.

jerseylicious, big rich texas, guiliana and bill, all of those shows all in a row on my TiVo. least to say, mix it in with desperate housewives, lifetime's the client list, and Keeping up with the kardashians--- i wouldn't bother me at all on sunday nights!!
If you don't know what Jerseylicious is about, it is an American reality tv show about a beautiful salon, called The Gatsby, located in New Jersey, & the Jersey girls working as hairstylists and make up artists and all the drama that comes with it.

The main characters are Tracy DiMarco, Olivia, Gayle & Christina (owners of salon), GiGi, and the glam fairy, Alexa (whom recently branched off into her own salon The Glam Factory. Alexa is another favorite gal of mine! =]-- then there is the ever so sexy shampoo assistant but he's not so relevant as he is sweet! ;)

So anyway, one of the girls, Tracy Dimarco, was donning these nails with wide-flair tips, & i  fell in love with them the minute i saw them!! tracy dimarco's wide tip flair nails are to die for. they are different, noticeable, and you can do soo many different styles wth them. i absolutely loved them !!! but you know me, i always have to jazz it up a bit so below i showed you a bit more on what i did. to the right is a picture of her nails the way she normally gets them. she normally does the white tips and pink nail beds, she says the white matches every outfit of hers as opposed to dramatic colors or patterns like olivia does with her nails. my nail beds are already super pink, so i don't need them. i just do the white flairs-- recently have been doing white glitter and pink glitter. it was my first time getting them done like that, and i think your nail beds need some getting used to.  i'll post a picture when i can && below there is a picture of miss traytease flaunting her amazing flair / wide tipped nails < 3

For those who thought the "Jersey fad" was running out of steam, they better get a clue !! jersey shore is back in its fourth season, and more hilarious than ever && this show is still running. this defff proved them wrong. Its first season was the highest rated new series on the Style Network and now it returns for Season 4 premiering in a few months! i am super stoked that i am making it a huge deal--can you say  jerseylicious premiere party?!? i made a list of food i want and am gonna dedicate the whole night to Jerseylicious with my girls & of course make sure i dress the part as well :)) hehe

So back to Tracy.. she's a hair stylist but does amazing make up as well && has a great sense of fashion. she wears stuff i WISH i could get away with but i def dont have the balls too. as stated before, she has been dubbed the vixen of the show and her big hair and penchant for animal print makes her hard to ignore - not to mention she brings the drama.. which brings the ratings. lol so she makes the show soo much better.

when it comes down to it, the show mainly promotes that jersey girls are all about BIG hair, animal prints, fake nails, and big boobs.
............... which is A-OK in my book! hehe =]
oh and letts not forget tracy's jewelry. she is always sporting some type of amazing jewelry-- i am most in love with all of her earrings!! she actually has a line, i have only been able to buy one pair because they are quite expensive. i have them pictured in a post back in december of 2011. not for too long though, as i will try to save money to buy more cus im in love with them all!! Here is a pair of Tracy's favorite shoes that I want soo badly!!!

my thing is earrings-- i have a gazillion pairs & am always wearing them.

Here are some clips available on the show's network's web site:  

this list is a few things my favorite girl believes in & is always sure to reinforce on the show:

1.) a real girl loves having attitude but being sweet at the same time. She always sticks up for her girls no matter what!!! Chicks before d**ks!

2.) you need to love big hair and have a good tan -- spray tan, because its healthier -- and always leaves the house done up, looking your best!

3.) A REAL Jersey girl knows the real Jersey Shore... before it got turned into a huge joke TV show.

4.) you have to love animal print (of any kind) and has at least one room dedicated to the print in her house. -- I have always loved Leopard/Cheetah print, but lately am buying any animal print I see !! < 3
5.) you have to have fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake tan, fake hair (extensions)... but are the most honest and realest girl you'll ever meet! - that's so me ;D

6.) you gotta can rock any outfit you want and hold your head high, because you're confident.

7.) && you gotta know every bouncer in NJ clubs and they all know youu!! VIP all the wayyyy.

8.) oh, and she believes in you always being able to change from work attire to a club outfit in your car because you always carry around a full makeup kit, teasing comb, hairspray, shoes and clothes.
9.) A normal girl takes one item of jewelry off before leaving her house, but me? i put on three more pieces of jewelry on before leaving! --haha i love that one ;D

10.) "The higher the hair, the closer to God." nuff said.

work it baby girl, work it!!
okay my lesbian obsession post is finally come to an end.

xox rica