Sunday, July 15, 2012

inside im dying

i am hurting so bad. no one sees the pain behind the face because i hide it sooo well. i cry myself to sleep almost every other night. i just don't understand why some people have to be so judgmental and so cold-hearted. don't they see that this is when i need you the most? you're leaving me and i'm all alone. that's like kicking a girl when she's down. i don't get why you guys are doing this to me, and i don't like to talk about it or bring it up at any time because i am soo afraid of confrontation.

i try to hard to fit in, to be like you want me to be. i want to be loved so bad that i conform to society's norms, and it's just not me. i don't have a skin that i fit in, and whenever i think i do, i always end up feeling naked. naked in public. i feel like people see right through me. so this is when i put on a facade that blocks any one from being able to do so. my inner soul is so opaque that even i have lost sight of it.

as soon as i think things are going well, i always end up doing something to fuck up. when will this pattern end. when will i learn. when will i get it. when will i fucken understand that this is not who i am. when will i understand that this is always going to end the same.

i have no question marks at the ends of those statements because i am not asking any questions, im stating sentences that are on constant replay in my mind on the fucken daily. i don't get why i don't think things through any more. i don't get why i don't see the end result before it happens. i don't get why i surround myself with these people and get myself into these situations when i am always the first to stay aware of them.

i have lost sight of who i am, of who i am turning into, and who i am trying to not ever be.

what am i going to do ?? what is it going to take ?? god, i need you now.

xox rica

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