Monday, September 19, 2016

taking the next step in a relationship

after reviewing some of the comments left on a status of one of my amazingly beautiful friend's face book page, Monica, i thought I'd post an entry of my own thoughts on the situation being on...

relationships............. 
                                              particularly, taking it to the next level.


when it is time to take it to the next step and move in with the person who knocked you off your feet? personally, i think this thought shouldn't even be considered until after the one year mark.. preferably after the 2.5-3yr mark, but we all know that isn't always the case. we know the first year (and this is based off of you seeing this person at LEAST four-five times a week, any less doesn't really constitute), is the 'honeymoon' phase, and of course it's going to be all smiles and lovey dovey trips of 'omg he's oh SO amazing.'

my personal thoughts when it comes to taking it to the next step in a relationship? expect the best, but be prepared for THE WORST. If there is one thing to expect when moving in with your boyfriend, it is that not everything will be as you expect it, and not everything will be as you want it.. you must absolutely understand this. i cannot stress it enough!! along with the benefits of being able to share a home together, there are also possible risks to consider. And I would recommend ALL women should take time to assess the risks and benefits before you take the plunge.

first lets talk about the reasons one might want to do this. maybe you're tired of paying rent when you're always at your boyfriend's apartment (or for my young grasshoppers, wanna get out of your parents dungeon), or maybe you just feel it's finally time to move on to the next level in your relationship. well one good thing is, you will def save money. it seems like spending most of your time together would be the same as living together, but it's much different. Like any roommate, your sweetie is going to do things that annoy you, whether it's leaving the cap off the toothpaste or watching TV till 2 AM. dating is all fun, but living with someone takes work. Who is going to clean the bathroom? How are the bills going to be divided? you might think half is even.. but what is he's one to leave the lights on all the time, or if she does laundry every single day.. or if he orders pay per view movies all night? you must be considerate of the bills, of everything.

i am really not trying to discourage any of you females to decide against moving in, I'm really not. in fact, i think taking this step is one of the most amazing steps for a relationship. it really puts your relationship to the test, and shows just how much you two can handle. my boyfriend and i gained aloooooooot of strength when we took this step. all i am saying is it will not be all rainbows and butterflies, and i want you all to consider the thunderstorms that are sure to come, before you make the step and worse, before you make the step and are unable to jump back into undoing it.. =/

as stated above, i personally moved out at a Super young age, into a place with my boyfriend of then three years. i was super excited about it. i mean come on, what 16yr old was living with her first love in a 3bed/2bath house with a large yard (perfect for tanning hehe) by ourselves? we got two dogs, one kitty, and we truly felt like a family. it was amazing.

But then..

problems began. one of my big problems was that i definitely got caught up in the details of running a household. i set my weekends out for doing things like laundry, yard work, etc..  we had our own ways of cleaning things, when to do chores, i liked to maintain cleanliness as opposed to his style of living how he wants, and doing a thorough cleaning every few days.  then came the comments such as "i already got a mother, stop acting like mine!" which pissed me off to no end! lol

now onto some things that will definitely change in the relationship.....

a.) becoming too comfortable. you can expect that he will "let his hair down," so to speak, or, in other words, he will start leaving his socks around the place. This is not so much because he expects you to pick up after him, but because he may feel he no longer needs to try to impress you by keeping the place neat and clean.. i got kind of lucky because my then boyfriend was just as much a clean freak as i am. lol

b.) his boys/her girls. expect that his friends might be over when it is not convenient to you, as when you are just about to get out of the shower, or when you have to get up early the next morning for work. this was a biggie in my relationship, i couldn't tell you how many times i came running to my room wit a towel around my body all to scream my lungs off when i ran into one of his boys. eek.. talk about awkward! Good thing it was winter & I was wearing a towel, because during warm weather months i usually dry off in the bathroom and walk to my room naked! lol

c.) personal stuff. i would say put away anything you don't want him to see. Maybe you have some photos of old boyfriends or letters to/from exes. I personally ripped up every picture I had that either was of my ex, or reminded me of my ex. I just did not want to recall anything about his abusive bitch ass.  this is very crucial. i don't think you will ever understand the damage it can cause until it happens to you, having your future partner seeing anything intimate like that. Before I ripped up the pictures/letters etc I considered mailing them to my ex. But then I thought.. what is the point? I do not need to give him anything to make him miss me. I know he will miss my warmth, my love, my loyalty, and generosity. I want to become a memory to him. I do not want to give him things to remember me by.

d.) finances. sit down with him and discuss finances -- who will pay what, etc? are you going to combine bank accounts? Whose name will the utilities be in? Figuring all of this out before moving in together will make your moving in much smoother.

e.) routine. work out a routine. plan out how you will will handle chores around your house/apartment. What happens when you get home from work and there is no food to eat? Do you cook even when it is not your turn to cook or do you just do what makes sense -- prepare something for both of you? these may seem minute, but it really can cause little fights.

these things really add up. this is just my experience. as stated before, i really don't want any of you to change your mind about moving in just based on what i am saying.

i'm not trying to scare you. however if you really think these can be potential problems, then perhaps you two should try to work them out before they become a problem. 

I am really just trying to bring everything back to reality, hope for the best, but expect realistic things. It is not all going to be roses and sunshine. Expect to work through your problems and disagreements together.



Most importantly it is good to realize that compromise is important. communication is key. you have to work at it for it to be a success. I mean hey, how bad can coming home to flowers on your dresser be?? hehe :)


oh, &; i almost forgot. for those of you who make this step but then find out its not working out.. don't be like me and not have a plan B. it's a good idea to set aside some money for a future rent deposit, just in case things don't work out. Make sure, also, that you really can see yourself living with this person till your lease runs out. You don't want to be forced into a situation of living with someone just because you can't afford to move out! have an exit strategy planned just in case this happens to you... its VERY VERY VERY important.. from personal experience!!! I learned the SUPER hard way!!!

good luck my little lady bugs!

xox rica

4 comments:

  1. Hello Rica,

    This is my first time visiting your blog, I was doing some google searches because i am doing just that, thinking about moving in with my boyfriend of one year. The thing you brought up are really making me second think everything. I guess I am just too caught up in the excitement of us living together that I didnt stop to think about the things you mentioned.

    You brought up so many things I would have never even consider. Thank you so much. This post I think will help alot of people because it really helped me.

    I will be back to see new posts from you as I was very impressed with your writing, mainly because I am a late 20s female myself and can relate to just about everything you write about!

    Keep up the good work.

    Regards,
    Kat

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    Replies
    1. hay kat,
      wow, thank you so much for commenting!! i know first hand what it's like to be caught up in that 'excitement' of finally living with your boyfriend, ESPECIALLY when you've only been together for a year. you're still in that 'honeymoon' phase, and it is very common for most girls in that situation to do just as you did, and not think things through completely as far as the bad outcomes of taking this big step.

      I am sooo glad I was able to provide some insight to you. Please continue looking at my blog, I try to update it with a post weekly. When I don't, I definitely make up for it when I do get around to posting--I sometimes will post five blogs in one day!!! hehe :)

      thanx again for commenting, please continue to do so!

      xox rica

      Delete
  2. AnonymousJuly 06, 2013

    such great advice, its always best when it comes straigt from the horses mouth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you! very much appreciated! x

      Delete

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