Monday, October 29, 2012

i know better but don't do better

I'm going through a lot right now, there are going to be a lot of changes in my lifestyle these next few months. i'm very excited about them, but kind of worried as well. This change can either ruin a person's life or better it. i know it's hard to get sucked in, but i refuse to become another statistic.


everything makes sense in my mind but for some reason, it doesn't make sense when i lay it all out in front of me. it makes things much more challenging.




I view ANY experience that I can learn and grow from, and possibly help someone else grow as a positive thing but I'm facing my own internal struggles, along with putting the weight of the world on my shoulders because I want to help everyone, be there for everyone and not for a second do I stop and think , what about me? I've become such a selfless person with my time, money and my heart that a part of me feels that it's to a fault.. it's becoming my downfall.


So I flip modes. But hell, I'm certainly no angel but my intentions these days for myself as well as others have been nothing but good.. i never meant to hurt anybody; but fuck we can't satisfy everyone.

I even have this new drive to want to do REALLY well in life, i've always settled for less. I didn't care about "making something of my life." I've seen too many instances where a person works really hard for a certain position, all for nothing but a huge downfall. I guess the reason why I didn't care about it was because of my own fear of failure.


But somehow it made a wrong turn and I'm terrified of failure even more, I never lived up to my potential up until now, and soon i will be blowing people's minds, but i know exactly what is going to happen. These -people- will begin to expect things and I feel like I have to exceed their expectations, you never know what it feels like to actually let someone down when you aren't doin shit in the first place, if that makes sense..

I'm soo hard on myself now because I can't go back to what I was. I'm having trouble even embracing my own ambitious side, probably because I just found it. I know that I need patience and faith, but I feel like I lack the time it takes to attain those things. I've become what i've always claimed to never be, a procrastinator. Now that I don't have the same resources I had, I'm fucked.

I know who I am, what I am, where I'm from and what I want, so why the hell is everything so hard? I know what I got to do, but financially it kills me.

Well pretty soon here, things are going to change. && I aint letting anyone know my goals now, they'll find out after i achieve them && i aint going to be the one to tell them. If they think I am going to share my happiness over my success, they are out their rabbit ass minds. They don't deserve to share those moments with me, why? Because they did nothing to help me achieve it. I asked for a little bump in the right direction, to help me get this and get that, && i didn't get SHIT. So i will absolutely not involve any of you, you know who you are, on any of my future events.

It's a lot harder when you have to go through things by yourself, but I appreciate the strong woman that I've become. I'm still growing, I'm still finding myself. I still have a lot to learn about this world.

It just bothers me when people say they understand, but haven't been through what I've been through. I've realized that if it doesn't affect another person they really don't care half as much as you do. This doesn't go for everything, but once I get close enough to someone and explain a certain problem I have, I feel like they think i'm some insane female with crazy problems. I don't blame them, why? Because they're ignorant. They are ignorant to my lifestyle, to my background, to what people in my situation have been through, and we learn to cope with our experiences. The people I am surrounded by lately are from a completely different world.. they don't know the least bit about real struggle. I wish I can explain this further, but it is just pointless. You only can truly understand if you share the same background, which about 98% of you on here more than likely don't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode from being so overwhelmed, good and bad. and I never talk about my feelings because I used to think that's what it meant to be strong, not crying and not showing that I'm vulnerable sometimes. I'm a very serious person and I think a lot but I use being funny to mask that.


I feel like I'm unappreciative of my blessings a lot, because I always want more, I always need more. Maybe because I'm reaching for instant gratification and I need to aim a little higher? I don't know how to express my gratitude, I don't know how to be a woman without being emotional, because that was always my impression of a woman. I have to find that balance/ that center if I can't find Waldo, or anything else lol.

I'm a fighter, it's in my blood and I barely sleep at night because my mind is constantly going.

God, help me...

"i gotta go i gotta get me"

4 comments:

  1. AnonymousJune 02, 2012

    wow... this is a very intense post. althogh i must say u truly havea way with words.....

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    xOxO-Tricia -xOxO

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